Personal

Killing Him Kindly

Posted by Jason Gooley ⋅ January 17, 2014 ⋅ 1 Comment

If I were a murderer, I think my weapon of choice would be kindness. I would find a homeless person and take him to a nice 5 course dinner. After that, we would go dancing and cap off the night with a handsome cab ride through central park. Soon enough, he would be lying face … Continue reading →

The Time I Really Offended The Blair Witch

Posted by Stickwick Stapers ⋅ October 28, 2013 ⋅ 6 Comments

Perhaps my most terrifying investigation took place as my partner and I were looking into the disappearance of three young filmmakers who went missing while shooting a documentary on the legend of the Blair Witch. After months of no leads, hikers had stumbled upon the trio’s video tape. Its contents were horrifying. “I don’t know how much more … Continue reading →

To-Do List, Should I Win The Record Powerball Drawing

Posted by Stickwick Stapers ⋅ May 20, 2013 ⋅ 4 Comments

Over the weekend, the Powerball jackpot reached a new record. Like many Americans, I bought a ticket. I had made the purchase, however, just two hours before the drawing and realized I had no idea what I would do if I won. I quickly scrawled the below to-do list: 6:15 – Wake up. Call NASA. … Continue reading →

My Wife’s Cat’s Idea Of An April Fools Joke

Posted by Todd Daggett ⋅ April 1, 2013 ⋅ 13 Comments

I had fallen asleep in bed the night before April 1st while petting the cat as she was curled up beside me. I was awakened in the morning by a barrage of meowing. I wiped the sleep from my eyes, got out of bed and started for the bathroom. As I neared the bedroom door … Continue reading →

Instant Crickets

Posted by Stickwick Stapers ⋅ October 15, 2012 ⋅ Leave a comment

Last weekend, during a visit to the flea market, I came upon a bizarre booth, run by an old Gypsy man. There were all sorts of curious items laid out on the table, including a peculiar box. “How much for this?” I inquired. “Oh, no, I couldn’t sell that,” he replied in a cynical, raspy … Continue reading →

Dealing With Criticism

Posted by Stickwick Stapers ⋅ September 26, 2012 ⋅ 10 Comments

Whenever someone tells me that they cant stand me, I usually pull an orange out of my pocket and peel it slowly. Then, piece by piece, I eat the fruit, taking the time to reflect upon the succulence of each section. Then, if theyre still standing there, I punch them in the face.

Rest Area Unrest

Posted by Todd Daggett ⋅ August 20, 2012 ⋅ 3 Comments

I was forty-five minutes into my hour and a half drive to work when my insides presented me with 2 options. 1 – Find a bathroom very quickly and empty their contents in a public restroom of some kind. or 2 – Keep driving and find a place to buy a new pair of pants … Continue reading →

Inventions That Need Inventing

Posted by Jason Gooley ⋅ May 17, 2012 ⋅ 5 Comments

If I only invent one invention in my life time, let us hope that it is a machine that produces inventions. You just push a button, followed by a lever pull, which I am sure must produce some sort of ‘booping’ and ‘beeping’ sounds and then “blato!”, you have yourself a brand new invention. This new … Continue reading →

Is This The First Step In A Robotic Uprising?

Posted by Jason Gooley ⋅ May 15, 2012 ⋅ 4 Comments

I think it is completely unfair when someone gets mad at a computer and then takes it out on the monitor. A monitor, as we all know, is just a patsy. It is manipulated by the computer like a puppet and we just sit back and laugh. “Oh just look at how funny it is … Continue reading →

Diary Of A Mad Ex-President

Posted by Stickwick Stapers ⋅ May 11, 2012 ⋅ 6 Comments

Dear Diary, First, I wanna clear somethin’ up. I’m gonna call you ‘Di’ from now on. That’s gonna save a lot of people a lot of time. It’s gonna save me time writin’ and it’s gonna save our readers time because they won’t have to be readin’ extra letters and tryin’ to anticipate what the … Continue reading →