This tag is associated with 18 posts

Killing Him Kindly

If I were a murderer, I think my weapon of choice would be kindness.  I would find a homeless person and take him to a nice 5 course dinner.  After that, we would go dancing and cap off the night with a handsome cab ride through central park. Soon enough, he would be lying face … Continue reading

The Time I Really Offended The Blair Witch

Perhaps my most terrifying investigation took place as my partner and I were looking into the disappearance of three young filmmakers who went missing while shooting a documentary on the legend of the Blair Witch.  After months of no leads, hikers had stumbled upon the trio’s video tape.  Its contents were horrifying. “I don’t know how much more … Continue reading

To-Do List, Should I Win The Record Powerball Drawing

Over the weekend, the Powerball jackpot reached a new record.  Like many Americans, I bought a ticket. I had made the purchase, however, just two hours before the drawing and realized I had no idea what I would do if I won. I quickly scrawled the below to-do list: 6:15 – Wake up. Call NASA. … Continue reading

My Wife’s Cat’s Idea Of An April Fools Joke

I had fallen asleep in bed the night before April 1st while petting the cat as she was curled up beside me. I was awakened in the morning by a barrage of meowing. I wiped the sleep from my eyes, got out of bed and started for the bathroom. As I neared the bedroom door … Continue reading

Instant Crickets

Last weekend, during a visit to the flea market, I came upon a bizarre booth, run by an old Gypsy man.  There were all sorts of curious items laid out on the table, including a peculiar box. “How much for this?” I inquired. “Oh, no, I couldn’t sell that,” he replied in a cynical, raspy … Continue reading

Dealing With Criticism

Whenever someone tells me that they cant stand me, I usually pull an orange out of my pocket and peel it slowly.  Then, piece by piece, I eat the fruit, taking the time to reflect upon the succulence of each section.  Then, if theyre still standing there, I punch them in the face.

Rest Area Unrest

I was forty-five minutes into my hour and a half drive to work when my insides presented me with 2 options. 1 – Find a bathroom very quickly and empty their contents in a public restroom of some kind. or 2 – Keep driving and find a place to buy a new pair of pants … Continue reading

Inventions That Need Inventing

If I only invent one invention in my life time, let us hope that it is a machine that produces inventions.  You just push a button, followed by a lever pull, which I am sure must produce some sort of ‘booping’ and ‘beeping’ sounds and then “blato!”, you have yourself a brand new invention. This new … Continue reading

Is This The First Step In A Robotic Uprising?

I think it is completely unfair when someone gets mad at a computer and then takes it out on the monitor.  A monitor, as we all know, is just a patsy.  It is manipulated by the computer like a puppet and we just sit back and laugh. “Oh just look at how funny it is … Continue reading

Diary Of A Mad Ex-President

Dear Diary, First, I wanna clear somethin’ up.  I’m gonna call you ‘Di’ from now on.  That’s gonna save a lot of people a lot of time.  It’s gonna save me time writin’ and it’s gonna save our readers time because they won’t have to be readin’ extra letters and tryin’ to anticipate what the … Continue reading

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