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8 Signs That Magicians Find You Boring

If you’re like me, you often find yourself locked in conversation with magicians.  But, have you ever stopped to ask yourself, is this individual actually interested in what I have to say? More often than not, the answer is no. Here are 7 signs that you are boring a magician: -During your conversation, he disappears … Continue reading

Got Raptured This Week

So like a lot of people, I got raptured this week. Actually, to be honest with you, I didn’t get raptured so much as I grabbed onto the leg of someone I saw getting raptured. Man, that was a long trip up, especially with all of the kicking that guy did.  I was pretty banged … Continue reading

8 Other Disappointing Moments In The Game Of Thrones Finale

Game Of Thrones fans everywhere were outraged at the Season 5 Finale death of Jon Snow SPOILER ALERT: Jon Snow dies at the end of the show. While that scene was shocking, there were many other moments in the show I found much more disturbing. – Show’s decision to film this episode in front of … Continue reading

3 Cakes That Ruined Presidents Day

February 14th, 2005.  Just one week until my favorite holiday, President’s Day.  I was busy growing my Abraham Lincoln beard and powdering my George Washington wig when the phone rang. Startled, I dropped my wig on the floor.  Powder everywhere. “Damn it!” I shouted. I picked up the phone.  It was my friend Jeff. “Come over … Continue reading

Happy President’s Day Eve

A while back, you may have read that I was seeking a patent for smithereens.  While this may be a bold-faced lie, it also might not be. Now that we have that cleared up…….Happy President’s Eve!!!!  While not my favorite holiday, I get paid pretty well to work it.  And, on that day alone, they pay … Continue reading

10 Still Relevant Tips On Dating

Now I may have been out of the game for the last decade or so, but I can still offer some great dating advice. I can’t imagine that much has changed since I was last on the scene. Here are some quick tips that you might want to keep in your back pocket, if you … Continue reading

My Idea For The Sequel To ‘Gravity’ – Or – Gravity II – Or Gravity TWO

EXT. SPACE – NIGHT The scene picks up right where GRAVITY (part 1) left off; with George Clooney tumbling, shipless, through space.                                    GEORGE CLOONEY (screaming) Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnndra!!!! I’ll get you!!! Whoaaaaaa!!!!!!!                Pull back to reveal George is careening towards a planet. George turns back and notices this.  He begins paddling his arms frantically, as … Continue reading

How My Pet Monkey Ruined New Years

As the new year approaches, I cannot help but think of a fateful New Year’s Eve past, spent by the fireplace with my pet monkey, Chip Dip.  For the longest time, we just sat quietly in our respective arm chairs, he in his smoking jacket and I in my robe, privately reflecting on the past, present and future, … Continue reading

A Hero For Everyone

Let’s face it people, the city is in turmoil and Batman isn’t getting any younger.  It is time to find a new superhero to take the reins.  I will be the first to throw my hat into the ring. (I’m gonna need that back, though) Let me begin by telling you about my powers.  I … Continue reading

One Paragraph Essay: The Time I fell Off The Grand Canyon

I will never forget the time that I fell off of the Grand Canyon.  First of all, that morning the coffeemaker malfunctioned and splattered coffee all over my brand new shirt.  Second, on my way to the Grand Canyon, my tire blew out.  And finally, when I did get to the park, prices had gone up … Continue reading

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