So like a lot of people, I got raptured this week.
Actually, to be honest with you, I didn’t get raptured so much as I grabbed onto the leg of someone I saw getting raptured. Man, that was a long trip up, especially with all of the kicking that guy did. I was pretty
banged up by the time I got to Heaven and it turned out my name wasn’t on the rapture list, but I got back in line and used a fake ID from my college days and luckily that guy was scheduled to be raptured. After I was asked to repeat my birthday and spell my last name without looking at my license, I was allowed in. The guy whose leg I grabbed onto tried to protest, but when I told Saint Peter about how he kicked me all the way up to Heaven, he was the one who ended up getting into trouble.
First person I saw was Macho Man Randy Savage. Yep, the Macho Man Randy Savage. I asked him to do his signature elbow drop on me, but he seemed offended. He pointed out that he was a prolific wrestler capable of doing many other, more complicated moves besides the elbow drop. He asked if I would like a demonstration. I asked him if the Ultimate Warrior was around. This only seemed to infuriate him further. He tried to compose himself, but I don’t have time to wait around for people to compose themselves.
So, as you can see, they’ve got internet in Heaven, but it’s dial-up. I know, dial-up! It’s a really bad system because the wires are super long and the people on Earth keep yanking them, causing our computers to fall. I asked about Wi-Fi, but everyone looks at me like I’m speaking a foreign language. I even found the guy who invented Wi-Fi, but all he said was ‘dude, shut up.’
They’ve got Facebook up here, but everybody’s on Classmates.com, which I totally don’t get because there’s a fee. Not only that, everybody’s status is the same, ‘I’m in Heaven.’ I know dude, I’m sitting right beside you. The Facebook up here is pretty cool though. Not only is there a ‘like’ and a ‘dislike’ button, but there’s also a ‘rapture’ button and you can rapture your friends. I’m having a good time with that. I raptured my friend Jason Gooley just as he was taking a bite of cereal and his spoon fell into the bowl splashing milk all over the place. It was hilarious, but he keeps pacing back and fourth, worried his wife is going to be furious with him for leaving a mess. My friend Brian is mad at me too. I swear I didn’t know he was playing softball when I raptured him, but apparently he got a called third strike when he vanished. I told him maybe he could join a softball team up here, but really they’re not going to want him, not after that last at-bat.
We just got an email warning us about a scam going around saying there’s an ‘unrapture’ button on Facebook up here, but apparently if you click it, it downloads a virus onto your computer. Really, I don’t care though because it’s not my computer. I told that to Macho Man and he lectured me. He told me he lost some really important documents lately because of a virus, but when I asked him which documents he lost, he couldn’t name any.
I decided for a gag, I would get a pitchfork, stand by the gate and act like there was some sort of mix-up when people walked in, but when I went to the store to purchase a pitchfork, they were like 45 bucks! For a pitchfork! I asked the clerk if there were any other pitchfork stores around, but he just kept pointing out that they weren’t just a pitchfork store.
I decided to make a makeshift pitchfork by tying a regular fork to the end of a broomstick, but you can’t see what I’m getting at, unless you get really close to me and even then a lot of folks seem confused.
So that’s how it is so far. It’s kind of cloudy here and I understand it’s somewhat sunny in Michigan. That always seems to happen to me when I’m on vacation.
I’m curious, does this mean that heaven offers those who are raputured jobs to make money to buy $45 pitchforks? I somehow always figured the currency in heaven, if there was one, would be like handfuls of babies smiles or something…