Now I may have been out of the game for the last decade or so, but I can still offer some great dating advice. I can’t imagine that much has changed since I was last on the scene. Here are some quick tips that you might want to keep in your back pocket, if you still have one.
1. When you meet the parents for the first time, make sure that you are polite and courteous. Do not speak unless spoken to. Make eye contact but not for too long. Tell them you are a pilot for a major airline. When they ask you which airline you work for, just stare at them with a toothy grin and repeat their question back to them in a high-pitched, sarcastic voice. That should shut them up for a while.
2. Also with parents, stand at attention and use a lot of big words like “Mesapotamia”, “cornflakes” and “.com”. Don’t worry if you don’t know what these words mean. Just string them together into one sentence.
3. One more note on parents. If your date’s father should ask if you would like anything to drink, assume that it is a trick question. Explain to him that you are all set and you might still have a couple of road beers left in your back seat.
4. When you are on your first date, don’t just grab the girls boobs right after you pick her up. This often leads to awkward silences. If this happens, wait 15 minutes and try again.
5. If I recall, women are extremely fascinated with a man’s knowledge of comic books. Also, if you are a +50 level Nightelf wizard with cloaking and disarming abilities, you are in for a long night of crazy sex.
6. If your date starts talking about “things” or “stuff”, explain that you have to go poop and get the hell out of there.
7. If you happen to show up to the date naked and you don’t realize it until half way through the evening, please don’t make a big scene. We are trying to enjoy our dinner over here, thank you.
8. If your date finds the body wrapped up in a carpet in your trunk, pretend like you don’t know what she is talking about. If she presses the issue and asks “What kind of person are you!”, assume that this is a trick question and hit her in the head with one of those road beers you are always talking about.
9. If you must share a milkshake and each of you have your own straws, when she least expects it blow really hard into your straw. This will cause a reversal of the flow of her straw, causing the universe to stop and inevitably collapse in on itself. This will give you time to rummage through her purse for more money you can use to buy your very own milkshake.
10. When you finally arrive at “Make-out Point”, explain to your date how the area was once inhabited by a tribe of Indians who worshipped mud. When she says something about “Indians” being called “Native Americans”, tell her to speak up and stop mumbling, you can’t understand what she is saying.
Hopefully this will clear a few things up. Now if you will excuse me, I have to get back to work. Stop bothering me.