The Horrible, Horrible Time Brad Pitt Stopped By The Bar

Over the weekend, actor Brad Pitt stopped by the bar where I was enjoying an evening with some friends. Being as how I’ve already seen Brad Pitt in person several times; first, when he filmed a movie at my office , again when he worked out at my gym, another time at the coffee shop, at the gas station, at the beach, at the grocery store, while shopping on Black Friday , at company’s holiday party, at a Habitat For Humanity Project I had been working on, at the movie theater,at a pizzeria and at a Halloween party,  the experience was no big deal. However, I knew the ladies would be upset that they missed seeing this ‘Hollywood Hunk.’ Therefore, I kept the following journal, carefully detailing my experience so they would feel as if they were there:

Dear Ladies,

As you may have heard, over the weekend I saw Brad Pitt at the bar.

I have to say, you didn’t miss much.

First of all, he was wearing yoga pants.

Second, despite his age, he tried to use a really fake ID to get in.  And on the fake ID was a photo of one of the hecklers from the Muppets.  

He was all by himself, but told the waitress he needed a table for sixteen.  Then he started going around table to table, asking people if they were using empty chairs, then taking them, regardless of their answer.

At one point he shouted “where the party at?!” to the whole bar.  When some girl let out a “woooooo!” he grabbed her by the lapels and angrily said “don’t you mock me! I said where the party at?!”

Pitt walked over to a guy sitting at the bar and said “sweet ride outside, can I see what the keys look like?” then grabbed the guy’s keys, parked his car in a handicap spot and called the police.  

Pitt came back inside and shouted “Drinks all around!”  the bar cheered, but then Pitt went table to table insisting he meant that everyone should have to pay for his drinks.

Pitt then ordered 16 pitchers of ice and began flinging cubes at everyone shouting “this is from my hit movie Frozen!”

When someone pointed out that he isn’t in the hit movie Frozen, Pitt grabbed him by the shirt and slide him down the bar like an old timey cowboy movie.    

He then shouted “WHO WANTS TO DO SOME SHOTS?!” and started chasing people around with a hypodermic needle.

Pitt then walked over to a jukebox, fed it with $1000 in singles and pressed “Gangam Style” one thousand times.  

He hopped up on the bar and yelled “this is my Jam! 2014 ya’ll!” and started thrusting his hips violently.  

He then jumped down, grabbed a megaphone and shouted “Crimea Rules!” before running out the emergency exit.

I do have to say, however, that being at the same bar as a Hollywood star was pretty cool.