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10 Worst Inaccuracies In The Hollywood Movie “Noah”

Noah2014PosterThis weekend, I have watched the movie Noah, and I have enjoyed the movie immensely. The movie was pretty close to the book, but I’ve noticed that the movie studio took quite a few liberties with the story. I did notice a few inconsistencies and disagreements with the original Biblical tale. So, at the risk of giving out the ending to the movie and letting some spoilers slip out, here are 10 of the discrepancies that I’ve noticed:

1) God texts Noah on his iPhone to tell him that (spoiler alert!) a flood is coming. However, in the ancient times iPhones have not been invented, and people used to carry these big old wooden flip-phones.

2) When Noah is walking with his family, he sees a strange man, who yells that the waters will rise and humans are all doomed. The man introduces himself as Al Gore, but Noah’s family escapes before Al Gore manages to start his PowerPoint presentation.

3) When a drop of water falls on a ground, and a flower miraculously grows up in just a few seconds, you can spot a Monsanto logo on the flower.

4) In a story flashback, Methuselah is shown beating a whole horde of savages with a burning sword. He then tells Noah that he is his grandfather.

5) Noah goes to Home Depot to buy wooden boards and beams for his 1000-foot long Ark. However, after seeing their wood prices, he realizes that he only can build a 400-foot long Ark, and that when he does, there’s no arking way anyone from Home Depot is ever getting on it. (Also, it’s very strange that with a $130 million movie budget, Noah couldn’t hire a contractor to build an ark for him.)

6) Frustrated by his Home Depot visit, Noah heads to IKEA where he picks up a build-it-yourself Ark kit. Because IKEA’s instructions were unclear, Noah first puts together a chair out of the parts, then a couch, then a tool shed, until eventually he does built something resembling a ship after working non-stop for several years. The black and white Youtube video “How to build an ark” Noah keeps watching on repeat isn’t helpful either, because Youtube used to silent in those times.

7) Still upset with dinosaurs that they never sent him an invitation to their last party, Noah “forgets” to send them an invitation to the Ark. Instead, he takes a couple of beavers who immediately begin gnawing through the Ark’s side.

8) When Noah starts loading animals onto the ark, people from PETA show up and demand that he takes every animal on earth, or they will sue Noah for animal abuse.

9) When Noah’s family enters the Ark, he makes all of them remove their shoes, belts, jackets, and pass them through a wooden X-ray machine. He then singles out his son Ham for a “random inspection” and pats him down, explaining that Ham looks “kinda Middle-Eastern”.

10) In the end, God promises to Noah that he will never again destroy humanity with a flood. Then the camera cuts to a huge asteroid hurtling towards Earth.

Other than that, I thought it was a good movie, and I hope God doesn’t smite the Paramount Pictures with his wrath for it.

About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com


5 thoughts on “10 Worst Inaccuracies In The Hollywood Movie “Noah”

  1. Is this a remake ? It seems vaguely familiar . Didn’t Richard Widmark play God in the original ? Or was it Richard Pryor ?

    Posted by Dan Hennessy | April 2, 2014, 4:50 pm
  2. hahahaha….Thanks List! This is definitely the best review of inaccuracies i have ever read. I have not watched the movie…and I didn’t have any plans too….but you may have changed my mind about that. I mean….I would not want to miss God texting Noah on his Iphone. Do you think God uses Pandora or Itunes?… probably Pandora..

    Posted by Vagina | April 2, 2014, 12:28 pm
    • Honestly, I wasn’t paying that much attention to the movie, so it may have been a Samsung, not an iPhone (even more honestly, I didn’t actually see the movie yet 🙂
      I think God uses iTunes (don’t have to wait for that one song he likes), but he doesn’t have his own account since he’s omniscient and knows everyone’s passwords.

      Posted by List of X | April 2, 2014, 10:41 pm

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