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The Rejected First Draft Of Target CEO’s Apology Letter

The Target corporation finds itself amid a PR nightmare.110 million of its customers may have had their personal information exposed to thieves due to that security breach.  The company’s new CEO is sending out a letter to customers, assuring them that the company is taking steps to protect them.  Unfortunately, the first draft of the letter didn’t go over so well.target

Dear Valued Target Shopper,

First of all, if you are a hacker and you’ve mistakenly received this letter because you’ve stolen one of our customer’s identities, allow me to apologize. (You should not be apologizing to thieves who stole our customer’s information. This is a really bad start)

When I first heard through the grapevine that there was a massive theft involving Target credit cards, I thought for sure they were referring to the nearly 23% APR we charge you.  Am I right?! (insert rim shot here) (Implying through a joke that our credit card rates are a crime will only make customers more furious.  Also, you cannot insert sound effects into a paper letter.  And finally, having the CEO say that he learned about the security breach through the grapevine would make him appear extremely out of touch.)

But seriously (this entire ordeal is serious!), I want to apologize on behalf of the entire corporation (good), although I cannot speak on behalf of our drivers (why is this relevant to mention?)

I assure you, my very first question when I returned to the office no more than 6 days after learning of the breach (immediately! not six days!), was “what?”  I didn’t hear what the guy who told me the news said. My second question was “why?” “Why me?”  I deserve better than this.  My third question was “where?” I guess I still hadn’t heard the first question clearly.  (all of these questions make you appear stupid)

I want you to know that Target is taking the following actions to get this matter resolved:

1. We are keeping a close eye out for the man, woman or child responsible.  A guy carrying around the identities of 110 million people couldn’t have gotten far (We don’t think you understand identity theft)

2. Instituting a ‘zero-tolerance’ policy for identity theft.  If someone is walking around one of our stores looking or talking like you, will have them tackled and detained immediately (now you’re telling people they will be assaulted if they shop at Target)

3. Free parking in handicap spots until this is resolved (this would be illegal)

I would urge you, in the meantime, to remain vigilant.  I know I’ve been keeping a close eye on all of my statements.  (Good, this puts you at the level of the ‘people’) Luckily, I did almost my entire holiday shopping at Kohls (the CEO of our corporation should not tout that he avoided identity theft by shopping at a Target competitor)

In the meantime, thank you for eating good in the neighborhood (this is Applebees’ slogan, not ours)

(This letter would likely make matters worse for Target. Please do not send it)

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About Tim Kochenderfer

I'm about yay-high and weigh about yay pounds

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