AOAP EXCLUSIVE: A one-on-one interview with the internet

Recently I had a chance to sit down with one of the most connected entities out there, The Internet.  With its tendency to talk to much after throwing back a few to its well-meaning intrusions into your personal lives, The Internet gets down to the 1’s and 0’s of it all.

Jason Gooley:  Thank you.  Today we were fortunate enough to sit down and have a chat with The Internet.  Since the days of Lycos and Alta Vista, The Internet has become an essential part of how we do business, which direction we go and what our favorite foods are.  You may recently have seen the internet on a computer when you weren’t occupied with spreadsheets.  Thank you for joining us, The Internet.

The Internet:………..BUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JG:  Oh, my!  What the heck was that?

TI:  I’m sorry.  That is how I get myself started up.  Haven’t you ever heard that before?

JG:  No.

TI: Well I guess you’ve never used a computer in your life.

JG:  Anyway, let’s get started.  Do you mind if I call you The?

TI:  I guess so.  That’s pretty much what everyone calls me.

JG:  The, you have had your ups and downs, your share of controversies over your relatively short career.  Who do you call your biggest influence?

TI:  I would probably have to say Eli Whitney, the inventor of the modern cotton gin.  You see, the cotton gin was an invention.  I too am an invention.

JG:  …..

TI:  ……

JG:  Alright……I guess that makes sense, although the cotton gin isn’t really a “modern” invention.  Moving on.  One question that our readers have for you is do you think that a growing amount of people have the tendency to use LOL when they are not truly laughing out loud, possibly not even laughing at all?

TI:  This does seem to a growing concern to us.  We would prefer that these types of people use “CaS”, for “crack a smile”.  It makes for less paperwork on our end.

JG:  “Our”?  are there more than one of you?

TI:  …..

JG:  …..

JG:  I was able to do a search for you on the internet before this interview.  Surprisingly there isn’t a single mention of your existence.

TI:  Well, that is awfully meta of you.  That is strange, did you go to a library and check the card catalog or the Dewey Decimal System or do whatever the hell it is people do there?  It’s actually a bit troubling.  I believe that I must exist as we couldn’t have this conversation let alone use this forum for this interview.  What does it mean to ‘exist’?  If you cut me, do I not bleed?  If you smash your keyboard on the floor, are you not expected to clean out your desk, you’re fired?

JG:  Do you like Cheetos brand Cheetos?

TI:  Yes.

JG:  Well that should about do it.  Tune in next week when we speak with The Great Barrier Reef to see how that jackass is doing.