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Satire

The Time I Really Offended The Blair Witch

Perhaps my most terrifying investigation took place as my partner and I were looking into the disappearance of three young filmmakers who went missing while shooting a documentary on the legend of the Blair Witch.  After months of no leads, hikers had stumbled upon the trio’s video tape.  Its contents were horrifying.

“I don’t know how much more of this I can take,” I said as my partner and I watched the filmmakers’ fate unfold on the screen.  “There is just one jump cut after another.”

“What’s more disturbing is what happened to these students!” my partner chastised me.

“Of course, you’re right,” I replied.  “Obviously some… really?  Another star wipe?”

“Listen, you’ve got to stop focusing on the production!” my partner said.  “We have a crime to solve”

“I know!” I said, “It’s just hard to pay attention when… Oh my gosh, they just used a wipe to transition to a shot that didn’t change!  Who edited this thing?!”

“I did!” A voice cried out from behind us.

My partner and I turned around.  Standing there was the Blair Witch.

“I’ve been here the entire time to see what you thought of my work and you tore it to shreds!”

“Your tore those kids to shreds!” my partner shouted, outraged.

“Now just take it easy Steve,” I said to my partner.  “Listen, a lot of this video wasn’t even white balanced.  It looks like you were chasing giant Smurfs.”

“That’s not an editing issue!  I didn’t shoot the video” she shouted.

“Ever hear of color correction?” I asked.

“Color cor…” I could tell I had stumped her.

“And that last scene, do you really think that a heart wipe was appropriate?”

“Those two were in love!” She argued.  “It was very touching!”

“You brutally killed them!” my partner yelled.

“Steve’s right,” I said.  “A heart wipe conveys the wrong mood.”

“That’s not my point!” Steve interrupted.

“Don’t interrupt Steve,” I said.

“Check out the very last scene,” the Blair Witch said. “I think you’re going to take back everything you said.”

We watched as the camera panned away from the dead filmmakers.  A cursive ‘The End’ scrolled across the screen before the video folded up into the form of a witch on a broom and flew away.  The witch looked at me with an eager smile on her face.

“What is this, Home Improvement?” I asked.  “That was stupid.”

“You idiots can’t appreciate fine art!  I’m out of here!” the Witch shouted somewhat in tears.  She ran off, mounting her broom mid-run and leapt to take off, only she didn’t get much air and went crashing headfirst into the ground.  My partner cuffed her.

“I’ve lost my confidence because you,” she said deflated.  “Maybe you could give me a couple of compliments so I can do some of my magic again?”

“Nope,” I said.

The Blair Witch was found guilty in the murder of the student filmmakers and a Judge ordered that she be burned at the stake.

“That’s unconstitutional!” her lawyer argued.

“Fine, tossed off of a cliff,” the judge banged his gavel.

“Still unconstitutional,” her lawyer said.

“Okay, eaten alive by wild tigers,” the judge countered.

“Even worse,” the lawyer said.

“You idiots can’t appreciate good judging!  I’m out of here!” the judge shouted somewhat in tears.  He ran off, mounting his gavel mid-run and leapt to take off, only he didn’t get much air and went crashing headfirst into the ground.

Every time I see someone dressed as a witch or a judge on Halloween, or whenever I see someone go crashing headfirst into the ground, I think of this story.

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About Tim Kochenderfer

I'm about yay-high and weigh about yay pounds

Discussion

6 thoughts on “The Time I Really Offended The Blair Witch

  1. I thought you were talking about bare witches . My bad .

    Posted by Dan Hennessy | October 29, 2013, 2:19 pm
  2. hahaha, so great!!

    Posted by msavage19 | October 29, 2013, 12:25 am
  3. Ahahahhahhhahahahahhhahahah
    hahhaha
    aha
    ha
    ah
    ha
    ha…..ha.
    ok I”m done.

    Posted by EzraWontShutUp | May 16, 2012, 8:23 pm
  4. lol, ridiculous.

    Posted by Kathryn Mattson | May 16, 2012, 9:09 am

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