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Satire

8 Signs You May Soon Be On The Endangered Species List

Our garage door apparently killed a salamander the other day.  Making matters worse, I looked it up and the type of salamander killed was an endangered species.

Really though, no wonder you’re an endangered species if you can’t get out of the way of a garage door in time.  The salamander even had a really bored look on its face, like getting crushed wasn’t an exciting enough death.

While laziness seems to have done this amphibian in, here are 8 other warning signs you may be at risk MammothVsMastodonof becoming an endangered species:

-Instead of stalking and hunting your prey, you now wait for other animals to come near you and commit suicide.

-You won’t hibernate unless someone reads you a bedtime story first

-You devote the majority of your time to hunting Muppets

-When you’re cornered by a predator, your glands give off the scent of a delicious Thanksgiving dinner, roasting in the oven.

-The sound you make translates to “eat me” in both Lion and Tiger.

-You would have had no natural enemies if you hadn’t been such a jerk to every species you’ve ever met.

-You look just enough like a bear, that bears think you’re mocking them

-You rely solely on hot-air balloons to get you from point A to point B.

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About Tim Kochenderfer

I'm about yay-high and weigh about yay pounds

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