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Satire

WordPress Is A Giant Black Hole: A Scientific Study

Introduction: Until recently, scientists assumed that time on Earth flows linearly.  However, a few days ago, I’ve discovered a temporal-flow paradox in the time-space continuum, when I noticed that the time I spend on my blog is simultaneously “too much” and “not enough”.  This type of paradox can only occur when time flow is not linear, and according to Albert Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, the time may flow differently in a strong gravitational field or electromagnetic field, i.e., in or near a black hole.  However, the nearest black hole known to exist is located over a thousand light years away from the Solar System, and therefore it could not be the reason for the paradox.

Simulated view of a black hole in front of the...

A black hole (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hypothesis: I proposed a hypothesis that the time spent on my blog is sucked into a giant black hole which does not exist in any spatial dimension and only affects the time dimension.  This black hole is therefore completely invisible and undetectable by any usual means (measuring the trajectory of elementary particles or photons), but could be detected by an accurate time measurement tool. While normal time flow is linear, the time spent on the blog itself would be compressed into a singular point, with the remaining time in the day warped around the blog time.

Hypothesis testing: Because of the inherent dangers of interfering with temporal flow, I volunteered myself to test the hypothesis. Thus, I designated myself as a test group.

Control Group: Because my wife does not have a blog, she was a natural fit for a control group. (Control group is a group that participates in the study but not being affected by experiment parameters for the purposes of comparison with the test group).  For a clean experiment, the control group must be selected randomly, and I have randomly selected my wife from the set of all people married to me (1 person).

Experiment results:  I have conducted multiple trials by measuring the current time, pointing a video camera at myself, opening WordPress, closing WordPress, measuring the time once again, and reviewing the camera footage. At every trial, the camera showed me doing zero productive activity, and my spatial coordinates were exactly the same in the beginning and the end of every trial (i.e., the test subject never got off his ass.) The time differences from beginning and end of a trial were randomly distributed between 0.344 to 8.174 hours, with mean of 2.904 hours and standard deviation of 1.636 hours.

Control Group results:  In every experiment, my wife has experienced linear (or closely approximated to linear) time.  According to the detailed interviews, she was able to fit shopping, conversations with friends, church, running errands, cooking, foreign language lessons, and/or work into the same measurement periods, depending on the particular trial.

Conclusion:  With a 99.85% statistical confidence level, the experiment clearly proved that WordPress represents the unique temporal singularity, or, in plain English, a giant time suck.

WordPress

Same black hole as pictured above with 1000x magnification (Photo credit: Adriano Gasparri)

Practical applications:  There are two main practical applications for this theory:

A) You can use the time singularity to compress any excess time you have to zero simply by opening your WordPress account – or signing up for one if you don’t have one already.

B) You can eliminate the people who irritate you from the time-space continuum for hours at a time by signing them up for a WordPress account.  Unless you open WordPress yourself, you will experience the linear time with your adversary frozen in the temporal black hole.

Summary:  Considering the magnitude of the above scientific breakthrough, I respectfully request that Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences kindly mails my Nobel Prize in physics to listofx.com.  I understand that there may be multiple qualified candidate for a Nobel prize, so if a better candidate is somehow found, I shall reluctantly accept a Freshly Pressed nod.

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com

Discussion

13 thoughts on “WordPress Is A Giant Black Hole: A Scientific Study

  1. So true. I thought I’d just get on my own blog this morning, poke around for a bit and next thing I know I’m commenting and “liking” posts and thinking about changing my blog theme for the millionth time. I’m supposed to be writing a research paper for school and have already wasted about 3 hours this morning.

    Posted by She's a Maineiac | March 14, 2014, 8:26 am
  2. Solid science backed up by your spouse. It doesn’t get any more thorough than that. Well done. By the way, according to my calculations based on your discovery, I’ve been writing this comment for 12 hours.

    Posted by Ned's Blog | November 13, 2013, 12:47 am
    • Yes, time flow is definitely warped here. I actually wrote this response 3 days before you left your comment.

      Posted by List of X | November 13, 2013, 8:45 pm
      • Dear List of X:
        Have you ever considered doing a post on how WordPress is like a back hole? I know it would be funny.

        — Ned (1984)

        Posted by Ned's Blog | November 13, 2013, 8:59 pm
      • Well, it’s good thing this appeared just now, because in 1984 I haven’t been able to read a word of English. But this sounds like a great idea, I will definitely try that.
        10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1… WordPress, take me to September 25, 2013!

        Posted by List of X | November 13, 2013, 9:05 pm
  3. Wait… if we eliminate people who annoy us by sending them here they will just annoy us here… and it will last forever…

    Posted by pouringmyartout | October 29, 2013, 11:03 am
  4. So that’s where my day goes ! Valuable research .

    Posted by Dan Hennessy | September 25, 2013, 12:27 pm
  5. so true and very funny thanx for this to start my day

    Posted by turning50isabyatch | September 25, 2013, 10:49 am

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