WordPress Is A Giant Black Hole: A Scientific Study

Introduction: Until recently, scientists assumed that time on Earth flows linearly.  However, a few days ago, I’ve discovered a temporal-flow paradox in the time-space continuum, when I noticed that the time I spend on my blog is simultaneously “too much” and “not enough”.  This type of paradox can only occur when time flow is not linear, and according to Albert Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, the time may flow differently in a strong gravitational field or electromagnetic field, i.e., in or near a black hole.  However, the nearest black hole known to exist is located over a thousand light years away from the Solar System, and therefore it could not be the reason for the paradox.

A black hole (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hypothesis: I proposed a hypothesis that the time spent on my blog is sucked into a giant black hole which does not exist in any spatial dimension and only affects the time dimension.  This black hole is therefore completely invisible and undetectable by any usual means (measuring the trajectory of elementary particles or photons), but could be detected by an accurate time measurement tool. While normal time flow is linear, the time spent on the blog itself would be compressed into a singular point, with the remaining time in the day warped around the blog time.

Hypothesis testing: Because of the inherent dangers of interfering with temporal flow, I volunteered myself to test the hypothesis. Thus, I designated myself as a test group.

Control Group: Because my wife does not have a blog, she was a natural fit for a control group. (Control group is a group that participates in the study but not being affected by experiment parameters for the purposes of comparison with the test group).  For a clean experiment, the control group must be selected randomly, and I have randomly selected my wife from the set of all people married to me (1 person).

Experiment results:  I have conducted multiple trials by measuring the current time, pointing a video camera at myself, opening WordPress, closing WordPress, measuring the time once again, and reviewing the camera footage. At every trial, the camera showed me doing zero productive activity, and my spatial coordinates were exactly the same in the beginning and the end of every trial (i.e., the test subject never got off his ass.) The time differences from beginning and end of a trial were randomly distributed between 0.344 to 8.174 hours, with mean of 2.904 hours and standard deviation of 1.636 hours.

Control Group results:  In every experiment, my wife has experienced linear (or closely approximated to linear) time.  According to the detailed interviews, she was able to fit shopping, conversations with friends, church, running errands, cooking, foreign language lessons, and/or work into the same measurement periods, depending on the particular trial.

Conclusion:  With a 99.85% statistical confidence level, the experiment clearly proved that WordPress represents the unique temporal singularity, or, in plain English, a giant time suck.

Same black hole as pictured above with 1000x magnification (Photo credit: Adriano Gasparri)

Practical applications:  There are two main practical applications for this theory:

A) You can use the time singularity to compress any excess time you have to zero simply by opening your WordPress account – or signing up for one if you don’t have one already.

B) You can eliminate the people who irritate you from the time-space continuum for hours at a time by signing them up for a WordPress account.  Unless you open WordPress yourself, you will experience the linear time with your adversary frozen in the temporal black hole.

Summary:  Considering the magnitude of the above scientific breakthrough, I respectfully request that Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences kindly mails my Nobel Prize in physics to listofx.com.  I understand that there may be multiple qualified candidate for a Nobel prize, so if a better candidate is somehow found, I shall reluctantly accept a Freshly Pressed nod.