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Satire

Who Moved My Zzzzzz?

It had come to my attention that, every morning, someone was replacing my regular bed with a more comfortable bed just before my alarm clock went off. If this were not bad enough, they were also moving time forward 14 minutes, exactly one minute after I pushed the snooze button for 15 more minutes of sleep in my new ultra comfortable bed. Growing tired of these shenanigans, I decided to set up some traps to catch whoever was responsible.

For plan A, I tried placing a mousetrap atop my snooze button. The next morning I quickly discovered a painful flaw in my Plan A and went back to the drawing board.

Plan B involved a series of pressure sensors that would set off the house fire alarm system if someone tried to move my mattress. Not surprisingly, this plan provided me with my first suspect. My wife claims she was getting out of bed to “go to the bathroom”. She was also very upset by what she called “the ordeal” and started to get pretty defensive as my line of questioning turned toward why she was scheming to keep me in bed longer in the mornings. I also noted that my children were possible conspirators as they were visibly shaken by the alarm and my interrogation of their mother.  “A little too visibly shaken if you ask me.” I jotted in my investigator note pad.

I discovered over the next couple of nights that whomever the culprit was, they were not brazen enough to try and pull their antics while I was sleeping on the couch. “Cowards!” I would have written in my investigator note pad if the prime suspect hadn’t taken it away from me.

As soon as I was back in my own bed, I continued my investigation making sure to keep the details hidden from my wife and kids. I immediately enacted Plan C which was flawless in its simple design. I would feign sleep with one eye half open and catch this fool in the act! I woke in the morning in the most comfortable bed ever with the shortest snooze I had ever experienced. It was clear that someone had tipped off my wife and she put something in my dinner to make me sleepy. “The three year old is a mole and the five year old is a snitch.” I wrote in the new investigator note pad I fashioned out of Kleenex.

In three easy plans I had this mystery solved but I had come down with a nasty cold due to lack of sleep. “Beat that Scooby Doo.” I thought about writing in my Kleenex investigator note pad that I had just blown my nose into.

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About Todd Daggett

Todd Daggett is a fool. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a fool as well. That or they are really smart but a very good liar. Either way you should probably take some time to get to know them to be sure and then punch them in the throat for calling Todd Daggett a fool. Nobody does that and gets away with it.

Discussion

3 thoughts on “Who Moved My Zzzzzz?

  1. Someone’s been slipping paranoia pills into your coffee . Check wife again . Especially if you don’t drink coffee .

    Posted by Dan Hennessy | August 29, 2013, 12:04 pm
  2. I know exactly what you need – ME! In the almost two years that mommy has adopted me, she has not ONCE had to set her alarm for the worky place. She has the upmost comfy bed – a Select Comfort that is heaven. You can imagine dreaming about wonderful things and then not your alarm that goes off but me – the baconator alarm. I start squealing at exactly 6:30AM every morning during the week to get you up. To wake you from that wonderful peaceful state at one moment to the oh gracious what the heck is that sound moment the next. I can be hired – just thought I would let you know. 🙂 XOXO – Bacon

    Posted by PigLove | August 29, 2013, 9:33 am
  3. I’ve been recently wondering about this phenomena myself.

    Posted by thewhovianking | August 29, 2013, 2:31 am

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