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Who Moved My Zzzzzz?

It had come to my attention that, every morning, someone was replacing my regular bed with a more comfortable bed just before my alarm clock went off. If this were not bad enough, they were also moving time forward 14 minutes, exactly one minute after I pushed the snooze button for 15 more minutes of … Continue reading

Fire Sale

Over the weekend, my wife and I visited an open house at a home for sale near us. “Welcome,” the realtor seemed to be sweating, nervously as he greeted us.  “Thank you,” I said, removing my shoes.  “Is that… Is that smoke I smell?” “Hmm, I don’t really smell anything,” the realtor sniffed. “I definitely … Continue reading

10 People We Would Rather See Play Batman Than Ben Affleck

Warner Bros touched off some controversy this week when the studio announced that Ben Affleck will be the next Batman.  Below are ten people we would rather see portray the Dark Knight. 10 – Dave Collier 9. Flavor Flav 8. Egon Spangler From Ghostbusters 7. George W. Bush 6. Jason Alexander 5. Grimace 4. Stefan … Continue reading

A Day Filled With Zombies And Robots

I was at one of those party supply stores when a most peculiar thing happened. I had to get to some paper plates.  They happened to be right in front of what I presumed to be a sales clerk who was stocking the shelves.  I kind of made my way over there making it apparent … Continue reading

“Do Not Attempt.” An Open Letter To ‘Allstate’

Dear Allstate, I am a man of few wants, so it is rare that a commercial makes an impression upon me.  However, two months ago, I was watching television (‘Friends’ rerun, the one where Chandler was killed), when I saw one of your advertisements, featuring a man, dressed as a hot water heater, claiming he … Continue reading

Is That Your Title, Jim?

Everything was going Jim’s way.  He was sitting next to a beautiful woman.  They were on their second drink.  She was laughing at his jokes and making jokes about his laugh. “So, what do you do?” she said, taking a sip of her martini. This was the moment Jim had been waiting for.  The reason … Continue reading

Studio Executives Reject My ‘The Smurfs 2’ Script

With the film ‘The Smurfs 2′ doing well in theaters all across the nation, I cannot help but feel a little bittersweet. You see, I made a push to write the second installment of this franchise. Unfortunately, studio executives were anything but pleased with my work, as you can see from their notes outlining their … Continue reading

A Wasp Stings, Then Cyber-Bullies My Friend Jim

The other day, my buddy Jim posted the below photo on Facebook: Feeling bad for my friend and having a strong disdain for wasps myself, I decided to immediately seek medical advice for Jim. After an intensive Google search, I was stunned to find that someone had posted the same exact photo.  I clicked the … Continue reading

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