Over the weekend, I was contacted by Kanye West’s people. They informed me that their client is under investigation for assaulting a photographer. They had heard that I moonlight as a ghostwriter for celebrities in crisis(Tom Cruise, Kristen Stewart, Nicki Minaj ,Justin Timberlake, Selena Gomez, Psy) and asked if I might write a letter on his behalf, explaining to the media exactly what happened. I said that I doubted that the public had heard of their client, but I decided to oblige. Unfortunately, West’s people were anything but pleased with my work, as you can see from their notes on my letter in red.
It is I, Kanye West. You may know me best as Kim’s boyfriend (Kanye would prefer to be known best for his music)
Dating the dictator of North Korea has its benefits and drawbacks (Kanye is dating Kim Kardashian, NOT Kim Jung Un, who, by the way is a man!) One of the drawbacks, is that people want to invade your privacy (good) The other drawback is the constant emotional abuse (Kanye is not being emotionally abused by Kim Kardashian)
A few weeks ago, she told me I look fat. I told her that’s because you’re pregnant! (this is very sexist!) She yelled and said ‘I’m not pregnant’ and then ran into her room and slammed the door (Kim Kardashian was pregnant a few weeks ago! Everybody knows that!). It turned out she accidentally shut herself in the janitor’s closet and she was so embarrassed that she came out wearing a hat and carrying a mop bucket, trying to pass herself off as the janitor (This entire story is untrue. What benefit do you think such a lie would have for Kanye?)
Anyway, that’s neither here, nor there (then why would you tell the story??)
As you may have heard, I was involved in an altercation. I want you to know the truth of what happened (good).
I was the airport, looking around on the ground to see if anyone dropped any frequent flyer miles (this makes no sense) when I looked up to see a member of the paparazzi, taking my picture. “Give it back!” I shouted at the top of my lungs, only he took another picture and this time, he put it into Microsoft Paint and started showing me what I would look like if I had devil horns and a really stupid looking moustache. (Video evidence doesn’t support this claim. Just stick to the facts please)
So, like any person would do, I tried to kill him (DO NOT SAY THIS! You’ll have him facing attempted murder charges!)
Instead, I decided only to punch him a few times, which he was completely ungrateful for. (this is not a good way to make Kanye sound like the victim)
So, in conclusion, Taylor Swift shouldn’t have won that award. (Why would you bring this horrible moment up?! And how is this “in conclusion??!”)
Anyway, I have to rest my punching hands. (bad way to end this)
Kanye West (soon to be Kanye Jung Un) (No!)
Tim, this letter accomplished none of the goals we discussed and would undoubtedly make things much worse for our client. Please do not send it.