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Why The Lone Ranger May Have Failed At The Box Office

-The Lone Ranger is immediately killed in the first scene.

-The character of Rebecca is clearly footage of Samantha spliced in from the 1960’s TV show Bewitched

-During some scenes, it’s not clear if the character of Tonto is supposed to be an Indian or a robot.

-Too much of the action revolves around characters portrayed by Dustin Diamond and Jaleel White

-The Lone Ranger reappears, unexplained about a half hour, trying to ‘ease’ his way back into the film as if the audience won’t notice that he’s been completely uninvolved in the action up until now.  Making this more noticeable, the character asks other characters to explain things to him that happened during his absence.

-Why does the Lone Ranger have such a hard time keeping his pants up?

-The bandits steal a train and deputies, for some reason, never think to follow the tracks to find the stolen locomotive.

-The scene where the Lone Ranger learns how to crochet takes a half hour, is portrayed in real time and isn’t referenced again, except for the final battle scene in which he tells Tonto “I don’t think we’re going to be able to crochet our way out of this one.”

-At the end of the film, that bird on Tonto’s  head inexplicably lifts him off the ground, struggles to fly at an extremely low altitude before finally crashing the character into the side of a mountain.

-The credits: Johnny Depp reads the credits outloud, clearly struggling with the speed at which they are appearing and disappearing from the screen.

About Stickwick Stapers

I'm about yay-high and weigh about yay pounds


4 thoughts on “Why The Lone Ranger May Have Failed At The Box Office

  1. II know the Long Ranger . who’s this new guy ?

    Posted by Dan Hennessy | July 20, 2013, 8:09 pm
  2. I have not seen the movie and don’t plan to,…….I would think it’s not doing good at box office because Tonto looks like some kind of painted crazy person…..and I still can’t understand why his whole face is painted and why he has a bird on his head. Native American’s should be upset.

    Posted by Barbara Coleman | July 18, 2013, 8:12 pm
  3. Awesome……..Just Awesome Share.I love it.Looking forward for more.Alex,Thanks.

    Posted by Alex H | July 18, 2013, 3:29 pm
  4. Well, perhaps it’s a good thing the guy with the mask is killed off in the first scene. Any guy wearing a mask could be in serious trouble in today’s society. Unless he’s in a porno movie. Just sayin.’

    Posted by misfit120 | July 18, 2013, 9:10 am

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