The Horrible, Horrible Time Brad Pitt Stopped By The Pizza Place

Actor Brad Pitt over the weekend stopped by the pizza place where I had stopped for a slice. Being as how I’ve already seen Brad Pitt in person several times, first, when he filmed a movie at my office , again when he worked out at my gym, another time at the coffee shop, at the gas station, at the beach, at the grocery store, while shopping on Black Friday , at company’s holiday party, at a Habitat For Humanity Project I had been working on and at the movie theater, the experience was no big deal. However, I knew the ladies would be upset that they missed seeing this ‘Hollywood Hunk.’ Therefore, I kept the following journal, carefully detailing my experience so they would feel as if they were there:

Dear Ladies,

As you may have heard, Brad Pitt recently stopped by the pizza place where I was eating.

I have to say, you didn’t miss much.

First of all he didn’t realize the entrance was glass and he walked right smack into the door.

And it didn’t even make sense because the glass wasn’t clear and there was a big sign on the door that read “pull handle.”

When he finally managed to get inside, after refusing the help of other customers, he took each step extremely cautious and slow, as if he was afraid he would walk into more glass.

He had brought his own pizza and kept trying to sell it to incoming customers, claiming his was “pure.”

The manager of the pizza place tried to tell him he wasn’t allowed to do that, but as soon as he opened his mouth, Pitt stuffed a scalding hot slice of pizza inside.

And after Pitt had forced that slice upon him, he said “that will be $49.95.”

When the manager started screaming in pain, Pitt grabbed the fountain drink hose and sprayed it into his mouth and said “That’s from Oceans 11”

Then he sprayed another guy and said “That’s from Oceans 12”

Then he sprayed that guy’s son and said “That’s from the prequel to Oceans 12”

When someone pointed out that Oceans 11 was the prequel to Oceans 12, Pitt grabbed the lady’s cell phone, tossed it into the pizza oven, set it on broil and said “that will be about 20 minutes.”

Pitt managed to get his hands on a can of sauce and went around table to table giving people “sauce moustaches”

When Pitt arrived at a guy who had a real moustache, he became irate, claiming the guy had “stolen his idea”

Pitt then yelled “who wants some pepper?!” and then tossed an entire can up pepper up towards the ceiling fan, only it didn’t fan out like he expected, it just fell back down on him, causing him to start sneezing, severely.

And every time he sneezed he ran over to the salad bar to let loose.

When Pitt realized his sneezes were being blocked by a sneeze guard he muttered “what kind of magic….”under his breath.

Pitt then hopped up onto the counter and started thrusting his hips violently.

And with each thrust, he shouted “PIZZA, PIZZA!” on the beat.

After a half hour of this he jumped down, pulled out a megaphone and shouted “gluten-free ya’ll!” before running smack into the exit and falling flat on his back.

I will say, however that it was pretty cool eating at the same pizza place as a big Hollywood celebrity.

Sincerely,

Tim