Over the weekend, I was contacted by Justin Bieber’s people. They informed me that their client is under investigation for reckless driving after speeding through his neighborhood during memorial day. They had heard that I moonlight as a ghostwriter for celebrities in crisis(Tom Cruise, Kristen Stewart, Nicki Minaj ,Justin Timberlake, Selena Gomez, Psy) and asked if I might write an apology letter on his behalf. I said that I doubted that the public had heard of their client, but I decided to oblige. Unfortunately, Bieber’s people were anything but pleased with my work, as you can see from their notes on my letter in red.
Dear Super Blurry Neighbors, (this is an awful start. Why would you begin by insinuating that he doesn’t know what his neighbors look like because he drives past them so fast that all he sees is a blur?)
First of all, thank you for buying houses along my racetrack (his neighbors are mad at him for speeding. Implying that he thinks the neighborhood roads are his racetrack would likely infuriate them even further)
Second of all, let me be the first to wish you a happy Memorial Day (that was last week)
Let me cut right to the chase. I understand that some of you are angry with me for speeding through the neighborhood while you were having Memorial Day picnics that you didn’t invite me to. (you don’t need to add that last part)
Now I understand how Yogi Bear felt and why he had to resort to larceny (lose this too. It makes it sound like Mister Bieber plans to start stealing from his neighbors)
But I’m not that mad at you. I was a little bit, but then after setting off some M-80’s in my backyard and letting some of your dogs loose, I felt better (do not put in writing that Mister Bieber engaged in illegal activity that he was never involved with)
Regardless, I understand that one of you, a football player, was mad because I drove by so fast that all of the food flew off of the picnic table and two sandwich dill pickles landed on his eyes, a hot dog landed on his nose, a bunch of pickles landed along his smile and an ice bucket landed on his head so he ended up looking like a snowman (this never happened. We don’t know where you are getting this)
Well, it’s your fault for also putting your arms out in a sticklike fashion that also imitated a snowman. (again, what are you talking about?)
Anyway, this football player chased me all the way home, which, in my opinion he was going a little too fast (this makes him sound hypocritical).
Luckily, he ran out of breath after about ten feet (he wasn’t chasing Mister Bieber on foot and why would you try to make him more angry by implying that he is out of shape?)
Despite all of the terrible things that happened to me that day, I apologize (good, just loose the first part of this sentence)
In my defense, since when is driving fast illegal? (it’s always been illegal!)
Second of all, Memorial Day is an American holiday and I’m Canadian. Right? (Mister Bieber knows where he’s from. Having him sounding unsure makes him sound stupid)
I don’t celebrate your holidays and you should respect me for that. So if I want to make these holidays terrible for you, it’s my right (he wasn’t speeding to make Memorial Day terrible!) just as so many of you have made Boxing Day horrible for me (what are you talking about).
So, in conclusion, maybe it’s not me who is driving fast, maybe it’s you who is observing slow. (this is terrible)
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO, (this goes on too long)
Justin Beaver (Bieber!)
Tim, this letter accomplished none of the goals we discussed and would undoubtedly make things much worse for our client. Please do not send it.