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To-Do List, Should I Win The Record Powerball Drawing

Over the weekend, the Powerball jackpot reached a new record.  Like many Americans, I bought a ticket. I had made the purchase, however, just two hours before the drawing and realized I had no idea what I would do if I won. I quickly scrawled powerballthe below to-do list:

6:15 – Wake up. Call NASA. Demand they send the sun back down for 2 more hours

8:15 – Wake up again. Summon for chef to make homemade Lucky Charms. Don’t be afraid to send back if not ‘magically delicious’ enough.

8:25 – Summon Broadway theatre troop to act out overnight breaking news.

8:30 – Learn from Broadway troop that NASA disobeyed above orders to have sun descend.

8:31 – Grow unreasonably angry

8:35 – Write review trashing troop’s performance. Email to New York Times.

9:00 – Buy New York Times and demand article be published.

9:15 – Force Broadway troop to act out article trashing their performance.

9:30 – Donate New York Times to homeless guy down the block.

9:45 – Purchase rocket ship from Russians. Send crew up to moon to leave behind a bunch of anti-NASA graffiti. Also, send a monkey up there.

10:30 – Call NASA. Offer to fund mission to send crew to the moon immediately.

10:45 – Take shower.

11:00 – Videotape neighbor’s hilarious tirade, demanding I return his shower.

11:15 – Mail video cassette to YouTube. Demand it be posted. Demand I win $10,000 prize.

11:30 – Practice hip thrusts.

11:45 – Leave house for NASA. Have House destroyed and rebuilt more clean.

12:00 – Text butler, ask if he got out of wreckage ok.

12:05 – Send butler to store. Have store demolished while he’s inside as a prank, so he’ll be all like ‘what is going on?!’

12:15 – Send butler to therapy, have therapist’s office demolished so he develops phobia of the indoors.

12:45 – Offer to send butler on vacation to relax.  Have him sent to earthquake zone.

1:00 – Arrive at NASA. Put on space suit.  Run in pretending you’re an astronaut who missed his flight.

1:30 – Watch with NASA team as moon crew discovers demoralizing graffiti.

1:32 – Leap up on highest desk and thrust hips in an even more demoralizing manner. Count along with each thrust like you’re counting down to launch.

1:52 – Complete hip thrusts.

2:00 – Lunch (maybe not best idea to eat at NASA)

2:15 – Read New York Times afternoon edition. Write letter complaining about the blatant pro-homeless bias.

2:30 – Lobby members of Congress to add addendum to First Amendment banning use of hashtags in English language.

3:45 – If measure is not passed by now, purchase Twitter.  Change limit of 140 characters per tweet to 140 paragraph minimum per tweet.  Make the 140 paragraph minimum mandatory.

5:00 – Dinner. Order Crystal Pepsi.  If told Crystal Pepsi is no longer made, purchase Pepsi. Demand company make nothing but Crystal Pepsi.  Stay at restaurant until Crystal Pepsi arrives.

7:00 – When waitress brings Crystal Pepsi to table, send it back. Tell her you didn’t remember it was clear.

7:05 – Take dance lessons.

7:20 – Dance all the way home.

9:20 – Arrive home. Inform wife that you’ve won Powerball Jackpot, but that you’ve already spent 99.9% of winnings.

10:00 – Hire someone to complete rest of to-do list, using remaining money.

12:00 – Person you hired had no experience in writing lists.  Nothing happened for the past two hours. Go to bed.

About Stickwick Stapers

I'm about yay-high and weigh about yay pounds


4 thoughts on “To-Do List, Should I Win The Record Powerball Drawing

  1. Hip thrust practice my fav. But why couldn’t you do that now?

    Posted by Holistic Wayfarer | May 22, 2013, 12:47 am
  2. If I won I’d pay the for my schooling and my best friends schooling (about 10 people) buy a toyota rav4 Build and design a green homes for me and my parents. make sure that My immediate family is taken care of for life. Then I’d give the rest for HIV research and medicine and charities and people who just need a leg up with Grants for schools or something. Being a person with HIV I think that’s the most important thing to me. I know my time is limited on earth as it is. maybe with that much money someone could help some not have to go through what I have to deal with everyday with meds and being sick. I can already touch the world with my art. But to be able to help with real money that would be something. And maybe they might find a cure before I die… IT’s a dream but a good one.

    Posted by Akeim Ford | May 20, 2013, 12:20 am
  3. The hip thrusts were a nice touch. There are benefits to that with or without winning the lottery. I can’t think of any off hand, but I know there are.

    Posted by Ned's Blog | May 20, 2013, 12:06 am

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