Over the weekend, the Powerball jackpot reached a new record. Like many Americans, I bought a ticket. I had made the purchase, however, just two hours before the drawing and realized I had no idea what I would do if I won. I quickly scrawled the below to-do list:
6:15 – Wake up. Call NASA. Demand they send the sun back down for 2 more hours
8:15 – Wake up again. Summon for chef to make homemade Lucky Charms. Don’t be afraid to send back if not ‘magically delicious’ enough.
8:25 – Summon Broadway theatre troop to act out overnight breaking news.
8:30 – Learn from Broadway troop that NASA disobeyed above orders to have sun descend.
8:31 – Grow unreasonably angry
8:35 – Write review trashing troop’s performance. Email to New York Times.
9:00 – Buy New York Times and demand article be published.
9:15 – Force Broadway troop to act out article trashing their performance.
9:30 – Donate New York Times to homeless guy down the block.
9:45 – Purchase rocket ship from Russians. Send crew up to moon to leave behind a bunch of anti-NASA graffiti. Also, send a monkey up there.
10:30 – Call NASA. Offer to fund mission to send crew to the moon immediately.
10:45 – Take shower.
11:00 – Videotape neighbor’s hilarious tirade, demanding I return his shower.
11:15 – Mail video cassette to YouTube. Demand it be posted. Demand I win $10,000 prize.
11:30 – Practice hip thrusts.
11:45 – Leave house for NASA. Have House destroyed and rebuilt more clean.
12:00 – Text butler, ask if he got out of wreckage ok.
12:05 – Send butler to store. Have store demolished while he’s inside as a prank, so he’ll be all like ‘what is going on?!’
12:15 – Send butler to therapy, have therapist’s office demolished so he develops phobia of the indoors.
12:45 – Offer to send butler on vacation to relax. Have him sent to earthquake zone.
1:00 – Arrive at NASA. Put on space suit. Run in pretending you’re an astronaut who missed his flight.
1:30 – Watch with NASA team as moon crew discovers demoralizing graffiti.
1:32 – Leap up on highest desk and thrust hips in an even more demoralizing manner. Count along with each thrust like you’re counting down to launch.
1:52 – Complete hip thrusts.
2:00 – Lunch (maybe not best idea to eat at NASA)
2:15 – Read New York Times afternoon edition. Write letter complaining about the blatant pro-homeless bias.
2:30 – Lobby members of Congress to add addendum to First Amendment banning use of hashtags in English language.
3:45 – If measure is not passed by now, purchase Twitter. Change limit of 140 characters per tweet to 140 paragraph minimum per tweet. Make the 140 paragraph minimum mandatory.
5:00 – Dinner. Order Crystal Pepsi. If told Crystal Pepsi is no longer made, purchase Pepsi. Demand company make nothing but Crystal Pepsi. Stay at restaurant until Crystal Pepsi arrives.
7:00 – When waitress brings Crystal Pepsi to table, send it back. Tell her you didn’t remember it was clear.
7:05 – Take dance lessons.
7:20 – Dance all the way home.
9:20 – Arrive home. Inform wife that you’ve won Powerball Jackpot, but that you’ve already spent 99.9% of winnings.
10:00 – Hire someone to complete rest of to-do list, using remaining money.
12:00 – Person you hired had no experience in writing lists. Nothing happened for the past two hours. Go to bed.