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Satire

When I’m A Ghost – Corporate Edition

As Army of Awesome People’s Lindsay Tacia rightly points out, most ghosts spend the afterlife, haunting people in boring, lazy and cliched manners (see My Plans For When I’m A Ghost, More Plans For When I’m A Ghost). One must put some effort into one’s ghostly abilities and I agree. However, I began to think, what if I become a wealthy CEO? My ghostly plans would have to be dramatically changed, in that there would undoubtedly be corporations which I would need to haunt. Therefore, I developed the following plans for when I’m a ghost, should I be a corporate executive:Painting

-When I’m a ghost, I’m going to change your company’s symbol on the New York Stock Exchange to ‘ASS’

-When I’m a ghost, I’m going to put a banjo soundtrack in the background of all of your corporate videos, so your employees all think you’re a hick.

-When I’m a ghost, I’m going to rewrite your company’s mission statement so it appears like it’s a pyramid scheme.

-When I’m a ghost, I’m going to redirect your advertising so it’s geared towards octogenarians, so your target demographic thinks your product is lame.

-When I’m a ghost, I’m going to rework your pie charts right before presentations, so it appears you’re blowing a good chunk of your profits on candy.

-When I’m a ghost, I’m going to take one bite out of everyone’s sandwich, right before the board enters the big shareholders’ meeting. Then, when you enter, I’m going to make it look like you’ve got crumbs all over your shirt and lips.

-When I’m a ghost, I’m going to make it look like you’ve been watching ‘Ferngully’ on your laptop right before every Powerpoint presentation.

-When I’m a ghost, I’m going to replace the 20-year-old scotch in your office with 20-year-old malt liquor.  Then, when your guests demand a glass of water to rinse the taste out of their mouths, I’m going to replace your Perrier water with 20-year-old Zima.

-When I’m a ghost, I’m going to swap the name plate on your door with the symbol for ‘ladies room’ so no men who get summoned to your office will appear to obey.

-When I’m a ghost, I’m going to install those little red lights you see in little kids shoes  into the sides of the soles of your dress shoes so no one takes you seriously.

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About Tim Kochenderfer

I'm about yay-high and weigh about yay pounds

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