A couple of days ago, I was contacted by the North Korean Government. They informed me that their leader, Kim Jong-Un is upset with the United States and doesn’t feel his anger is being validated. They had heard that I moonlight as a ghostwriter for celebrities in crisis(Tom Cruise, Kristen Stewart, Nicki Minaj ,Justin Timberlake, Selena Gomez, Psy, Justin Bieber) and asked if I might write a stern letter on his behalf. I said that I doubted that the public had heard of their client, but I decided to oblige. Unfortunately, the North Korean government was anything but pleased with my work, as you can see from their notes on my letter in red.
Dear America & Ally (Allies, sorry if our instructions led you to believe you were writing to the U.S. and a woman)
It’s me, North Korean dictator and international movie star Kym (Kim) Jong-Un (good! He will like this) . You may remember me from that film where I played Brad Pitt and James Bond (This doesn’t make sense. How could he play an actor and a famous character in the same movie?) I was the fat guy (Our leader is NOT fat!)
You may also remember me from my radio sensational song ‘Gangnam Style’ (That’s South Korean rapper Psy!)
You might wonder why I’m writing you. (they will not wonder why he’s writing. This is an international crisis that has been brewing for weeks)
It’s because I’m mad at you. (we need to find a stronger way of saying this)
I know you can tell I’m mad at you but you keep on acting like nothing’s wrong. (this isn’t true and it sounds too much like a girlfriend writing to her boyfriend)
I’m mad at you for many reasons.
First of all, I didn’t appreciate you sending Dennis Rodman into my country. (Rodman is a good friend of our leader. He was a welcome invited guest) He is quite taxing to be around. He kept me up all hours and insisted he sleep in my room because he ‘got scared’ (where are you getting this information from?) .Then, after my kindness, he proceeded to embarrass me on the basketball court by dunking on me. Then, when I made a shot and said ‘swish’ he told me that no one says ‘swish’ anymore. (this is not what happened and it makes our leader look foolish)
Therefore, North Korea will be retaliating. (wait, you think this all has to do with Dennis Rodman?)
We have a missile capable of reaching the Sea of Japan (this is not a good threat! The sea of Japan reaches our shores) by car (this just makes it worse!)
We have also poured much time and resources into researching the weaponization of dance. (why would anyone fear this? It makes it seem as though we are wasteful with resources)
Our military has just finished construction on a fleet of war trains (you mean planes we assume) and have built tracks leading to all major U.S. cities (you really did mean trains. They will know we do not have train tracks that reach across the ocean and even if we did they could easily make this a non-factor)
And don’t think we’re not willing to go to extreme measures. If you do not apologize, I vow to land a plane at a crowded South Korean airport (what would this do?)
You know that stuff in the middle of Oreo Cookies? We’re going to replace it with toothpaste! (now you’re just desperately reaching)
The white part, not the cookie part (yes, everyone knows what you’re referring to)
I can run a mile in under 24 minutes (what does this have to do with anything? Also, a mile in 24 minutes doesn’t qualify as ‘running’)
You can avoid all of this by taking the following actions:
First of all, give Dennis Rodman a really hard spanking. Like, have someone strong do it like Hulk Hogan (again, this has nothing to do with Rodman) . Also, we want an Oreo Cookie factory, we swear we will not do the toothpaste thing mentioned above (why would we want this?) . And finally, I want to be on ‘The View’ and not as a guest (or a crew member smartass) (this has nothing to do with our interests)
You have 24 years to meet our demands, or face consequences (that’s too long of a time frame)
Love, (remove this)
Kym (Kim!) Jong Un Junior (he doesn’t go by junior!)
Tim, this letter accomplished almost none of our goals. Please do not send it. We are going with a different writer.