The Horrible, Horrible Time Brad Pitt Stopped By The Movie Theater

Actor Brad Pitt over the weekend stopped by the movie theater where I was watching a film. Being as how I’ve already seen Brad Pitt in person several times, first, when he filmed a movie at my office , again when he worked out at my gym, another time at the coffee shop, at the gas station, at the beach, at the grocery store, while shopping on Black Friday , at company’s holiday party, and again at a Habitat For Humanity Project I had been working on, the experience was no big deal. However, I knew the ladies would be upset that they missed seeing this ‘Hollywood Hunk.’ Therefore, I kept the following journal, carefully detailing my experience so they would feel as if they were there:

Dear Ladies,

Over the weekend, Brad Pitt stopped by the movie theater where I was watching a film.

I have to say, you didn’t miss much.

First of all, he was wearing Spanx.

Second of all, he had roller-skates on, but he hadn’t anticipated that were would be stadium seating, because he immediately lost control and went careening down the aisle into the emergency exit door.

When he pulled himself up, he accidentally opened the door and fell out and after it slammed shut, you could hear him pounding and pulling at the handle.

And while he was pounding, you could tell he was crying.

When Pitt came back in, he had on a fake moustache and kept asking everyone if they ‘saw that guy who crashed.’

After he sat down, he sneezed into some old lady’s popcorn.

And after he sneezed he said ‘now eat it!’

The previews came on, but he must have mistaken each one for the actual movie, because after they would end in a minute and thirty seconds he would shout ‘what a rip off!’ and get up and head for the exit.

Then when the lights went down, he started making ghost noises like he was in kindergarten.

For like, at least the first twenty minutes of the film he kept trying to start ‘the wave.’

Then, when he realized no one was participating but him, he pulled the fire alarm, so everyone would have to stand up.

And after everyone stood up he bafflingly cheered ‘yeah! Suck it Yankees!’

When we finally were allowed back in the theater and the movie started again, Pitt kept asking everyone around him what the characters in the film ‘just said.’

A lady pointed out that it was the opening credits and we haven’t seen any characters yet and Pitt grabbed her by the arm, led her up the projector room and suddenly the film started all over again.

When a guy complained, Pitt angrily pulled out an iPad and threatened to spoil the end of the movie by looking it up, although it was clear that Pitt wasn’t aware the iPad could reveal such information because he only used the device for light while he tried to find the ending in an actual newspaper.

Something scary happened on screen and Pitt started screaming for the ushers to ‘turn the lights on.’

When an usher warned him to stop being so disruptive, Pitt grabbed him by the collar, led him to the concession stand, ordered $200 worth of candy, then left the usher there to pay for it.

When Pitt returned he declared ‘This movie sucks! Let’s watch ‘Legends of the Fall’ and started pushing people over.

Pitt then ran in front of the screen and shouted ‘HERE’S A FREE DOUBLE FEATURE FOR YA’LL!’ and started thrusting his hips violently.

Then he went around checking people’s tickets to ‘make sure they had paid for the double feature.’

Pitt pulled a megaphone seemingly out of nowhere and even though the film had nothing to do with the Civil War, shouted ‘SPOILER ALERT! THE NORTH WINS!’ before opening the emergency exit door, letting a bunch of pigeons and sea gulls in and running off.

I do have to say, going to see a movie in the same theater as an actual movie star was pretty cool.

Sincerely,

Tim