The Army of Awesome People has recently covered the downsides of being Spider-Man, Superman, and Harry Potter, but they are not the only superheroes whose lives aren’t as glamorous as they might seem. Santa Claus is another example. Though he isn’t exactly a superhero, he still possesses powers few of us have, like being able to carry tons of stuff, work just one night a year, infiltrate any house without being detected, and fly with the help of reindeer. (You think that’s because of the reindeer do all the work? Oh, like YOU can fly with reindeer…). Santa Claus is even able to neutralize a bad guy by putting a lump of coal in his stocking. If you’re wondering how that can ever neutralize a bad guy, just put a lump of coal in your own sock and you’ll find that you are hardly able to walk, much less destroy the world. But even with Santa’s magical abilities his life is really difficult. Here are just a few examples:
1) Riding in the middle of winter at insane speeds in an open sleigh, Santa experiences a wind-chill factor of -400ºF. The ONLY reason he even enters your houses through the fireplace is just to warm up.
2) He has to buy up the entire coal production of West Virginia just to leave coal for Lindsay Lohan and Snooki.
3) After having to hold thousands of children and listening to what they want for Christmas for hours, Santa Claus ends up with calluses on his knees and blisters on his ears.
4) The only way Santa can tell Donner from Vixen and Prancer from Blitzen is by looking at their backsides
5) When delivering presents in Texas and Montana, Santa has to wear a bulletproof vest under his suit.
6) After climbing out of the chimney back onto his sleigh, Santa doesn’t immediately go to the next house. He has to visit the nearest dry cleaner first to clean the soot off his suit.
7) There have been a few unfortunate cases when Santa forgot his bulletproof vest at the dry cleaner’s.
8) No one ever gives anything to HIM.
9) He has to spend the rest of the year subsisting on celery and melt water so that on Christmas night he could squeeze through every chimney
10) When parents feel the need to enlighten their child that a certain fictional character is not real, Santa Claus is always the one pick.