Over the weekend, I was contacted by Justin Bieber’s people. They informed me that their client is facing scruitiny from fans for his inability to be punctual/conscious at concerts. They had heard that I moonlight as a ghostwriter for celebrities in crisis(Tom Cruise, Kristen Stewart, Nicki Minaj ,Justin Timberlake, Selena Gomez, Psy) and asked if I might write an apology letter on his behalf. I said that I doubted that the public had heard of their client, but I decided to oblige. Unfortunately, Bieber’s people were anything but pleased with my work, as you can see from their notes on my letter in red.
It’s me! Justin Bieber, from music. (They know who he is. And there aren’t other famous Justin Biebers out there that you would have to differentiate that he’s ‘from music’)
You know me from such hit songs as ‘Call Me, Maybe,’ ‘We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together’ and ‘If I Could Turn Back Time.’ (Those are all songs written by women! And that last song is a Cher song! Do you have any idea who Justin Bieber is?)
I definitely know who I am (why would anyone write this about themselves?!)
I read on Myspace that some of you are mad at me. (Nobody has Myspace anymore!)
First of all, I showed up two days (hours!) late for a concert.
Let me explain.
First of all, my alarm clock didn’t go off (the concert was at night!)
Second of all, my dog ate my concert (what does this mean?)
Third, I lost all of my sheet music (Justin doesn’t use sheet music!)
Fourth, I set my alarm clock for am instead of pm (you just said it didn’t go off)
Fifth, I had a bunch of stuff I had to do (horrible excuse! What could be more important than a concert? Fans will be furious!)
Sixth, I got lost backstage (for two hours? This makes Justin look foolish)
Seventh, I was on time, you guys showed up two hours early. (you can’t blame fans for this)
So, we’re good? 7 solid excuses. (no!)
And then, most recently, I fainted on stage during a concert. I know a lot of you were concerned about my health, but in reality, I fainted because there were so many beautiful women in the audience that night. (good! This is good)
So I would like to ask you to please, refrain from coming to my concerts in the future. (No!)
If you do not, I will be forced to sue you in the amount of one hundred trillion dollars (Idiot! How is he going to be able to perform in concert if he can’t pay for them?)
See you next time, probably (probably? This makes the problem worse)
Justin Beaver (Bieber!)
Tim, this letter accomplished none of the goals we discussed. If anything, it would make things far worse for our client. We’re going to go with a different writer. Please, do not send this.