Dear Flintstones Vitamins,
I was 6 years old and an older bully had been picking on me relentlessly on the playground.
“Here, take these,” a shady looking 6th grader held out his hand. “They’ll make you big and strong.”
In his palm were my favorite Flintstone characters in chewable form.
“First dose is free,” he said.
Reluctantly, I took those vitamins (two Bamm-Bamm’s and a Wilma) and I’m proud to say then next day I walked up to that bully and knocked him out cold.
“That wasn’t the vitamins,” the principal pointed out. “you hit him with a folding chair. From behind.”
I attribute the physical specimen I am today to your product. I routinely outrun my fellow humans, often passing them on the treadmill at the gym. My skin maintains an above average “peachy hue” which I attribute to your use of red dye #5 and just the other day a police officer informed me that I had driven at speeds exceeding that of the cheetah.
I’ve even tried to get my 4 year old niece to start taking Flintstones vitamins.
“Who are these outdated characters?” she would ask me.
Unfortunately, I am not writing this letter to sing your praises.
The other day I was made aware of something extremely disturbing.
As a child, I remember watching your advertisments and listening to your catchy slogan “We are Flintstones Kids, ten million strong and growing.”
I remember hearing that and thinking “wow, ten million strong and growing? I’m going to be part of a huge army!”
I’ve frequently noted that I’m a Flintstones Kid on my resume to try to up my chances of landing a job. I’ve tried to use the fact that I’m a Flintstones Kid to get discounts on new cars and in my single days, my pickup lines often involved a reference to Flintstones Vitamins.
Well, this past week I was watching TV when one of your advertisements aired. It ended with your catchy jingle.
“Ten million strong and growing.”
How is this possible?! It’s been almost thirty years! That number should be in the billions by now.
No wonder employers asked if my affiliation with your product was a typo, or that women never understood the references in any of my pickup lines.
Only 3% of the country are Flintstones Kids!
I feel your ads have now breached the realm of false advertising.
I demand an apology.