Advertisements
//
fall in
Satire

#FalseAdvertising – An Open Letter To Flintstones Vitamins

Dear Flintstones Vitamins,

I remember the first time I had ever heard of your product.flintstonesline

I was 6 years old and an older bully had been picking on me relentlessly on the playground.

“Here, take these,” a shady looking 6th grader held out his hand. “They’ll make you big and strong.”

In his palm were my favorite Flintstone characters in chewable form.

“First dose is free,” he said.

Reluctantly, I took those vitamins (two Bamm-Bamm’s and a Wilma) and I’m proud to say then next day I walked up to that bully and knocked him out cold.

“That wasn’t the vitamins,” the principal pointed out. “you hit him with a folding chair.  From behind.”

But I knew better.flintstones

I attribute the physical specimen I am today to your product.  I routinely outrun my fellow humans, often passing them on the treadmill at the gym.  My skin maintains an above average “peachy hue” which I attribute to your use of red dye #5 and just the other day a police officer informed me that I had driven at speeds exceeding that of the cheetah.

I’ve even tried to get my 4 year old niece to start taking Flintstones vitamins.

“Who are these outdated characters?” she would ask me.

Unfortunately, I am not writing this letter to sing your praises.

The other day I was made aware of something extremely disturbing.

As a child, I remember watching your advertisments and listening to your catchy slogan “We are Flintstones Kids, ten million strong and growing.”

I remember hearing that and thinking “wow, ten million strong and growing? I’m going to be part of a huge army!”

I grew up thinking that I would be able to use this connection to my advantage.flintcomm

I’ve frequently noted that I’m a Flintstones Kid on my resume to try to up my chances of landing a job.  I’ve tried to use the fact that I’m a Flintstones Kid to get discounts on new cars and in my single days, my pickup lines often involved a reference to Flintstones Vitamins.

Well, this past week I was watching TV when one of your advertisements aired.  It ended with your catchy jingle.

“Ten million strong and growing.”

STILL???

How is this possible?! It’s been almost thirty years! That number should be in the billions by now.

No wonder employers asked if my affiliation with your product was a typo, or that women never understood the references in any of my pickup lines.

Only 3% of the country are Flintstones Kids!

I feel your ads have now breached the realm of false advertising.

I demand an apology.

Sincerely,

Tim

Advertisements

About Tim Kochenderfer

I'm about yay-high and weigh about yay pounds

Discussion

3 thoughts on “#FalseAdvertising – An Open Letter To Flintstones Vitamins

  1. Funniest fucking story I have ever read. Well done.

    Posted by christine | August 14, 2015, 10:27 pm
  2. I was hoping to see them in the billions now as well. Like McDonald’s, “Over 1 Trillion Served”. They’re definitely showing the true count.

    The thing to keep in mind though is that as dated as Flintstones are, they truly care about health. How come there are no “Spongebob chewable vitamins” or “Bieber Power child supplements”? It’s all about the bottom dollar these days. IMHO, we had it better as kids than current day.

    Posted by TheGoid | July 18, 2013, 3:57 pm
  3. Well…uhmm…isn’t there some saying about not believing all the advertising promises…most are like politicians before an election..lol

    Posted by shreejacob | March 1, 2013, 5:14 am

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Advertisements

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 4,328 other followers

Divided and/or Conquered

  • 133,659 hits

Tweet The Army

Error: Twitter did not respond. Please wait a few minutes and refresh this page.

Categories

%d bloggers like this: