I’m Going To Get You – An Open Letter To My Car’s Bluetooth

Dear Bluetooth,

Our relationship has been rocky from the start.

First of all, I lost touch with my friend Hansel because of you.  You wouldn’t permit me to call him.

Below is an example of one of my attempts:

Me: Call

Bluetooth: Call using Tim’s phone, please say the name tag

Me: Hansel

Bluetooth: Cancel. Returning to the main menu. Ready.

Me: No! Call Hansel!

Bluetooth: Cancel, main menu.

Me: I don’t want the main menu! I want you to call Hansel!

Bluetooth: Pardon?

Me: Call Hansel!

Bluetooth: Cancel. Main Menu.

Eventually, I gave up on our friendship.

I was willing to let that pass, but today something happened that left me deeply disturbed.

I was driving to work and had initiated a phone call. You asked me to say the name tag, but I became distracted. A moment of silence passed and that’s when you said it:

Bluetooth: Are you still there?

Am I still there?  I’m operating a moving vehicle.  Where do you think I went?

If I’m not there, something horrible has happened. It means I fell out, or I had to bail out, or I’ve passed out, or I’ve vanished.  There can be no good reason why I’m suddenly not in my speeding car.

I decided to remain silent, and see what you would say next.  Finally, your robot voice chimed in:

Bluetooth: Thank you, goodbye.

So, you’re under the impression that I am no longer in my car, which is speeding down the highway, you presume driverless, which clearly would pose a danger, yet, instead of checking with me again, or attempting to contact help, you pretend I’ve dismissed you, so you can whistle and walk away?

Things only got worse when I activated you to demand answers.

Bluetooth: Please say a command.

Me: Apologize!

Bluetooth: Call Angelina

My ex-girlfriend. That was an awkward and uncomfortable phone call and I ended up being the one who apologized.

As soon as I figure out how to create an awkward situation for robots, I’m coming for you.

Be warned.

Tim