The Horrible, Horrible Time Brad Pitt Took Part In Our Habitat For Humanity Project

Actor Brad Pitt today stopped by a Habitat For Humanity Project where I was working as part of today’s national day of service. Being as how I’ve already seen Brad Pitt in person several times, first, when he filmed a movie at my office , again when he worked out at my gym, another time at the coffee shop, at the gas station, at the beach, at the grocery store, while shopping on Black Friday , and again at my company’s holiday party, the experience was no big deal. However, I knew the ladies would be upset that they missed seeing this ‘Hollywood Hunk.’ Therefore, I kept the following journal, carefully detailing my experience so they would feel as if they were there:

Dear Ladies,

Today actor Brad Pitt took part in a local Habitat For Humanity project where I had been working.

I have to say, you didn’t miss much.

First of all, when he arrived he was wearing a shirt that read ‘supervisor,’ implying that he wasn’t going to do any work.

He brought a dozen donuts, which the crew assumed was for them, but Pitt proceeded to eat them, one by one, and when a worker asked if he could have one, Pitt yelled “NO!”

And when he yelled “NO!” a bunch of crumbs flew out of his mouth all over the guy’s face.

And when Pitt saw pieces of his donut on the guy, he called him a “thief” and warned him that next time he would be “calling the cops.”

Shortly after that Pitt ducked behind the house and started feeding donuts to a bird.

And it sounded like he whispered to the bird “go peck the house down.”

A guy was trying to lay drywall, but Pitt kept walking in front of his stud finder saying ‘quit detecting me, bro.’

A group of about ten guys began hoisting the final wall frame into place, but Pitt stopped them, mid-lift, pulling out his phone and insisting that he take their picture, but by the time he realized he didn’t have a camera on his phone, some of the guys’ arms gave way and the wall collapsed around them.

And after it collapsed, Pitt started laughing obnoxiously loud, way louder than how a person would actually laugh if they thought something was funny, held up his phone and said “that picture’s going up on Myspace!”

Pitt then left to get the picture developed and to try and find Myspace and when he returned he overshot his parking spot and bumped into the house frame, causing it to, once again, collapse.

He then went around trying to shake workers’ hands as they were attempting to free people who had been pinned in the collapse and anyone who refused to free up one hand to greet Pitt were ‘wet-willyed’

The foreman tried to distract Pitt with a “really important job” asking that he count all of the nails in the box of nails, only Pitt misheard the instructions as “please hammer our entire nail supply into one board” because that’s exactly what he did.

When the foreman left to restock, Pitt said “now that he’s gone, let’s do this our way,” and proceeded to light match after match, tossing them down upon the subfloor, in an attempt to burn it down.

When a Habitat worker told him that wasn’t safe, Pitt grabbed him by the collar, dragged him into a porta-potty, lifted it up with a forklift, put the machine in drive and leapt out.

And when he leapt out, he rolled, unnecessarily and ended up falling down the stairs into the basement of the house.

He then ran back upstairs, crying, promising to get the guy whom he had stuck in the porta-potty that had now crashed into a neighbor’s fence.

After the foreman returned and the frame had been hoisted back up, Pitt went around installing doorbells on every door in the house.

When the foreman pointed out that doorbells only belong outside and it was too early to install them, Pitt grabbed him by the collar, dragged him on to some wet concrete on the freshly laid driveway and told him not to move for ten hours.

Pitt announced he was ‘going to go finish the basement’ and when he emerged a half hour later smelling like pot, the portion of the house above the area where Pitt had been caved in.

Pitt then jumped up on a sawhorse and shouted “LET’S GET SOME HEAT UP IN THIS HOUSE” and started thrusting his hips violently.

He then drew up a bill for the “heat” along with a monthly payment plan and instructed the foreman to give it to the new homeowner.

He then pulled out a megaphone and shouted “HAPPY HUG DAY!” and hopped into a steamroller and rolled off, slowly, into the sunset.

I do have to say, however, that it was pretty cool to work on a charitable project alongside a big Hollywood celebrity like Brad Pitt.

Sincerely,

Tim