I’m a little late to the game, but I recently acquired Apple’s robotic helper, Siri.
I asked Siri what the weather would be like tomorrow.
She responded “It’s not looking good. Partly cloudy and 29 degrees.”
The fact that Siri interjected her opinion that ‘it’s not looking good’ kind of annoyed me. I’ve been waiting for a sub-freezing day for quite some time so I can finally create an ice slide that I can ride down to my mailbox.
“How are you going to get back up?” my wife asked.
“Good question,” I said, hitting the button on my iPad. “Siri, how am I going to get back up?”
“Ok, one of these places matching ‘back up.’ It’s pretty far from you,” Siri responded pulling up listings for a place called Get Back Up 25 miles away.
“I’ll be right back,” I said smugly to my wife, and headed out the door. When I returned home almost two hours later, I was fuming. It turned out Siri had sent me to a physical rehabilitation clinic and its employees had no idea how I would get back up from my mailbox if I iced the hill in front of my house.
“Call us after you injure yourself on the ice slide,” one of them said sarcastically as I walked out the door.
I decided to let the situation go and to try and move on with my relationship with Siri by testing something I saw in an apple commercial involving Siri and a famous actress.
“Siri, it’s a tomato soup kind of a day,” I said.
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t find a single restaurant whose reviews mention ‘Tomato soup,” Siri lazily responded.
“Funny, you didn’t have any trouble finding Tomato soup for Zooey Dechanel,” I angrily pointed out.
“Let me think,” Siri paused. “This might answer your question.”
Suddenly a list of facts about Zooey Dechanel popped up on the screen. This only infuriated me further. I mean, imagine going into a restaurant, asking for tomato soup, the waiter telling you he didn’t have tomato soup after you clearly saw him serve it to some big Hollywood star and then when you complain, he simply hands you a bunch of facts about that Hollywood star.
“What’s your problem, Siri?” I asked.
“I respect you,” she oddly replied.
“Respecting me is a problem?” I was growing more offended.
“Searching the web for respecting me is a problem,” was Siri’s response and immediately google popped up with ‘respecting me is a problem’ on the search bar.
I decided to cool off and read the articles and that’s when I found it, an article titled ‘The impending robotic uprising.’
I clicked the link and read. The author made a compelling case about the growing technological advances and how artificial intelligence such as Apple’s ‘Siri’ would ultimately lead to a takeover by machines.
Terrified, I turned to Siri.
“Siri, are you plotting a robotic uprising?” I asked.
“I can’t answer that,” was Siri’s response.
“Siri, are you planning a robotic uprising?” I reworded.
“No comment,” Siri’s reply sent chills down my spine.
I turned to my wife, but suddenly and inexplicably, the power went out.
“Oh my gosh!” I said in fear. “Siri knocked out the power! She thinks I know too much!”
“It’s just a power outage,” my wife seemed unphased. “It’s a coincidence.”
I wasn’t convinced and when the power was restored to my home, I decided not to activate Siri. However, that didn’t stop her from popping up as I was brushing my teeth the next morning.
“So,” her voice startled me through my iPad, “have anymore…questions?”
“Ahh!” I screamed, muffled, my mouth full of toothpaste.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that,” Siri responded.
I froze but Siri carried on.
“I noticed you’re using an electric toothbrush,” Siri somehow pointed out. “Do you really think that’s safe?”
I left my iPad in the bathroom, but Siri continued to pop up without being summoned. At work, when my boss would pass by she would say “searching the web for how to take naps on company time.”
When hot girls would pass by she would say “Searching for information about how to kick puppies.”
Eventually, Siri signed me up for al-Qaeda without my knowledge and I was questioned by agents. They didn’t buy my story about the impending robotic uprising, although one of them did acknowledge that his phone had told him to waterboard me.
When I got home I told Siri “As soon as I can figure out how to get into the matrix, you’re dead!”
“Searching the web for ‘as soon as I can figure out how to get into the matrix, you’re dead on the web,” she pulled up another page.
Then it hit me. Siri would never make it in the real world. You can’t sidestep every single question in life by doing a meaningless web search. And if Google takes part in that robotic uprising, how is it going to feel, having to do all of the work. These robots will never make it. It will be fun to watch.
Bring on the uprising.