7 Lies I Told My Neighbor About Osama Bin Laden

Posted by Stickwick Stapers ⋅ January 14, 2013 ⋅ 18 Comments

Filed Under comedy, culture, Humor, lies, life, neighbors, osama bin laden, terrorism, Zero Dark Thirty

Photo courtesy al-Qaeda photography

With the success of ‘Zero Dark Thirty” in theaters, I am reminded of the mid-2000’s and a neighbor of mine, a woman named Margaret, who, while nice enough was a little ‘off’ and overly concerned about terrorism. Every day when I’d pass by, she would crack her door open and ask me if we had captured Osama bin Laden yet. When I would say no, she would groan, as if it were my fault, and close the door. Eventually, this became very annoying so I developed a solution that would both make her feel better and entertain me. I decided to lie. Below are 8 stories I told her

-“We actually had him. The troops had him by the collar, but bin Laden managed to wrestle his way out of his shirt and run off into the mountains.”

-“They found his hideout, but Osama bin Laden was in the bathtub when they busted in and for some reason they gave him some privacy to get dressed and when they opened the door after a lot of time had passed, the bathroom window was open, the curtains were blowing and bin Laden was nowhere to be found.”

-“The CIA actually tracked him to a restaurant in Pakistan, after scanning Match.com profiles for ‘people who enjoy Middle-Eastern food.’ Bin Laden agreed to go along with the troops and called the waiter for his check, but when the check arrived, bin Laden acted like he didn’t have his wallet on him and when agents allowed him to go check his car, he peeled out and sped off.”

-“Osama bin Laden was actually spotted on the Kiss-Cam at a soccer game. Unfortunately, it was fake beard & camouflage day at the stadium and bin Laden was able to slip away, virtually unnoticed.”

-“He wasn’t caught but he was sprayed by a skunk while evading troops so there’s a lot of hope that they’ll be able to track him down by his scent.”

-“The CIA tried to trap him by creating a decoy sexy female terrorist made out of dynamite, but unfortunately they dressed the dummy a little too provocatively and when villagers went to stone her, she exploded.”

-“The FBI created this fake restaurant with a sign that read “free terrorist food” and when Osama bin Laden walked in, the walls fell down and it turned out to be a giant cage. Unfortunately, agents allowed a friend of his to deliver him a cake, and it turned out there was a file baked inside and bin Laden managed to saw through some of the bars and escape.”

I’m not sure whatever happened to Margaret. There are some who say she moved, but I’d like to think the terrorists got her.