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Satire

10 Things I Would Never Do On Facebook (And Neither Should You)

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As you know, everyone and their brother and their boss and the boss’ mother have a Facebook account nowadays.  There are almost a billion people on Facebook, posting all kinds of random stuff, and I I think there should be certain limits to what we post there.  While I don’t imagine myself an expert on Facebook etiquette, here are some things I wouldn’t do on Facebook.

1)  I would not post pictures of plates of delicious, mouthwatering food. At least not immediately following my status update saying that I am going on a diet.  I’ll wait for your update about you going on a diet.

2)  I would never post enigmatic yet meaningless status updates.  Never. Or maybe…?  What if?…

3)  I would not post any racy details about my personal relationships on my Facebook account. Certainly not while my wife is reading it.

4)  Also, I would not update my relationship status (in my case, to “married”). Too much hassle. And what if I get divorced in 40-50 years? I would then have to change everything back! 

5)  I would not post on Facebook where I am spending my vacation. That would only make friends jealous and tip off the thieves that I am away from my house. Remember, a true thief, just like a true friend, wouldn’t troll your comment section, he/she would just drop by your house for an unexpected visit.

6)  I would never ask my friends to sign any petitions. I think it is distasteful to push your political agenda onto your Facebook friends, so if you agree with me, please sign my petition to stop your friends from asking you to sign their petitions.

7)  I would not brag about committing any crimes on Facebook, because… wait, seriously? I have to explain why?

8)  I would not post any desperate messages saying I’ve been robbed and urgently need you to send me some money. The only way this could happen is when my account has been hijacked by hackers, so don’t transfer any money in response to those messages. Though at any other time, your money transfers are welcome.

9)  I would not use Facebook Timeline. However, since when did Facebook started caring about what I would want to do?

10)  I would not post any hilarious meme pictures. You do that well enough, and I trust you completely to spend your valuable time to find these pictures for my entertainment.

So you may ask why I even bother using Facebook.  Well, I would use it to share this post with all my Facebook friends.  And Facebook is definitely a way to keep track of my friends’ birthdays.  Finally, I can use it to find out which of them are away from their houses and for how long.

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com

Discussion

31 thoughts on “10 Things I Would Never Do On Facebook (And Neither Should You)

  1. Wonderful work! This is the type of info that
    are supposed to be shared across the web. Disgrace on Google for not positioning this
    publish higher! Come on over and discuss with my site .

    Thank you =)

    Posted by how to win husband back | April 29, 2013, 10:58 pm
  2. I actually received some pretty negative comments on Facebook about my recent post. It seems I offended some people with my assumption of Facebook. Well….I guess you can’t please everybody!! “down with Facebook”….Kidding….only kidding….kind of…http://hdfloyd73.wordpress.com/

    Posted by hdfloyd73 | March 20, 2013, 9:46 pm
  3. You forgot #11. I would not use a word that my readers don’t know, thereby forcing them to go to the extreme lengths of looking it up. (REACTANCE: the part of the impedance of an alternating-current circuit that is due to capacitance or inductance or both and that is expressed in ohms.) Oh…right. 😉

    Posted by pegoleg | February 8, 2013, 9:48 am
    • This would be #12, actually. Your blog post would be number #11, and there are tons of other things that seriously need to stop happening on Facebook. But in my defense, I’ve had to look up the word “reactance” while I was researching “reverse psychology” when I was writing my comment. And as your comment proves, this reverse psychology totally works. 🙂

      Posted by List of X | February 9, 2013, 2:12 am
  4. FB makes me feel less guilty about not calling my friends.

    Posted by Drink2that | January 15, 2013, 6:58 pm
  5. Thankfully I am on the MySpace!

    Posted by Tedd Sumers | January 10, 2013, 11:18 pm
  6. Shared this to my FB page! LOL.

    Posted by Kylie | January 9, 2013, 4:33 pm
  7. brilliant!…though sometimes we post pictures of great ‘restaurant’ food because its a nice change from microwave meals and soup lol 😉 Facebook, fb rules, friend politics etc really has taken away the point of facebook – as for changing my relationship status…well thats easier said than done. it would let me be married to a woman who was said to be my mother according to facebook…or divorced with the click of a button…or even widowed but when i actually got married it wouldnt let me change my name from my maiden name to my real one without PROOF. wheres the logic in that? it was easier to make a new account than proving my identity to silly silly fb…maybe you could sign this petition i have going…. ha ha

    Posted by saved in drafts | January 9, 2013, 8:52 am
    • Thank you! Yes, at this point, if you want to seem original, you should post pictures of the microwaved food. But to address your concern about your name, I am pretty sure you can change the name on the account as it is visible, while keeping the account name the same. You should look into your FB setting.

      Posted by List of X | January 9, 2013, 10:17 am
      • oh i did that trust me, because i was ‘hilariously fraped’ by a friend who changed my name to ‘chunk’ a year before fb told me i had changed my name too many times and i was not allowed to change it again without uploading copies of my ID. despite reluctanlty doing this and being told to ‘wait for our response’ they never got back to me, i did this a few times after getting married in july and nothing was done so by september i was fed up of it and made a new account. On googling the issue i found many other complaints ie divorcees being stuck with their married names for longer than they wanted because facebook refused to let them change it.
        After getting married its exciting to change your name on things, but offical documents take time…facebook is a social media site, it shouldnt have been that hard. bad facebook *slaps wrist* so yes…back to point…its probably easier to keep your relationship status blank and give a fake name while youre at it 😉

        Posted by saved in drafts | January 9, 2013, 10:51 am
      • Oh wow… I mostly do comment-trolling on FB, so I had no idea that FB is that difficult to use if you are trying to do something more complicated than a status update.

        Posted by List of X | January 11, 2013, 12:06 am
  8. It was once fun, but like most things it takes over peoples lives. I have been guilty of saying the words “oh my gawd that is so gunna be my next status update” and hateing my self a little bit for it

    Posted by The domesticated Cat | January 9, 2013, 7:35 am
    • In my 4 years on Facebook, I’ve probably posted about 20 status updates and photos. For some reason, whenever I am about to post something, I mentally go through the list of my 300 friends and ask myself, are all of them going to find this status update at least marginally interesting?

      Posted by List of X | January 9, 2013, 10:32 am
  9. When acquaintances go on and on about how everything is miserable in their life, I … blerch … just want to post about my need to self mutilate my facial parts … because the oh woe is me attitude on the facebook billboard is … as bad as a steven seagal movie … just end it now!

    Posted by Marie | January 9, 2013, 7:31 am
  10. I just opened a FB account and will take your wisdom and great knowledge into consideration

    Posted by on thehomefrontandbeyond | January 9, 2013, 6:00 am
  11. Haha! I used to use FB to remind me of b’days too! That made me feel like a good friend! Now though with that stupid Timeline thing…it’s a hit and miss (more a miss) thing, unless I notice that said friend had posted a “Thank you for all the b’day wishes” to which I shamelessly wish them then..OR a mutual friend had wished them. It’s complicated now.

    Posted by shreejacob | January 9, 2013, 3:48 am
    • If you click on events you should see the birthdays there. I don’t know how to set Facebook to show which friends are away from their homes. So far I’ve had to track that manually, but I hope FB fixes that soon.

      Posted by List of X | January 9, 2013, 10:21 am
  12. Wow, this really made me sound like a serious Facebook hater, haha. 😀

    Posted by Krekushka | January 9, 2013, 3:23 am
  13. The most important thing I would never do on Facebook is reactivate my account. I deactevated it over a year ago and it feels like holiday without game invites and status updates that make me wanna throw rocks at those people.
    While I was still using it I’ve never updated my status, changed my relationship status, I even removed my birthday from my profile after my wall was attacked by birthday wished from the people who added me who-knows-why and now 100 of them are wishing me all the best and I removed my wall because people would post personal stuff on it, like “can’t wait to see you at Tolkien’s tonight.”
    And the 2nd thing you posted was the one I found most annoying. And the type of people who did that… -.-‘

    Posted by Krekushka | January 9, 2013, 3:23 am
  14. Seriously funny!

    Posted by balancedwesomeness | January 9, 2013, 12:26 am

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