I have always been interested in the idea of an afterlife. I often find myself tuning into television shows depicting “terrifying” hauntings. After a few minutes though, I find myself dozing off. Why? These ghosts spend an infinite amount of time haunting people in a boring, clichéd manner. It takes a lot more than a whisper in my ear or an ambiguous bump in the night to impress me. That being said, nothing infuriates me more than lazy ghosts. In an effort to make the afterlife a little more entertaining for everyone, here are more of my plans for when I’m a ghost:
1.) When I’m a ghost, I’ll replace all of the dust bunnies in your house with actual bunnies. The ones with pink eyes.
2.) When I’m a ghost, slipping on banana peels will become a very real and serious issue in your life.
3.) When I’m a ghost, I’ll follow you to the beach and create awkward designs on your skin with sunscreen.
4.) When I’m a ghost, I’ll replace all of the snow in your yard with powdered sugar… which will attract ants… which will attract Anteaters …which will attract annoying gawkers and passers-by.
5.) When I’m a ghost, I’ll replace your main mode of transportation with a horse and buggy. Then I’ll send stage-coach robbers after you (just to see how you would handle the situation).
6.) When I’m a ghost, your conscience is going to start sounding an awful lot like the hecklers from The Muppet Show.
7.) When I’m a ghost, I’ll bake fresh breads and pies for you several times a week. I’ll place them on your windowsill to cool which will seem quaint and charming …until the hobos show up.
8.) When I’m a ghost, I’ll replace all of your displayed photographs with pictures of my ghost friends and me, which will look something like this:
9.) When I’m a ghost, I’ll make it so that you wake up each morning with various styles of handlebar moustaches.
10.) When I’m a ghost, I’ll make sure that the door ALWAYS hits you on the way out.
The afterlife is going to last a pretty long time. I’m just saying… might as well make it amusing.