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Satire

The Horrible, Horrible Time Brad Pitt Came To Our Holiday Party

Movie star Brad Pitt this year stopped by our office Holiday party at a local restaurant. Being as how I’ve already seen Brad Pitt in person several times, first, when he filmed a movie at my office , again when he worked out at my gym, another time at the coffee shop, at the gas station, at the beach, at the grocery store, and while shopping on Black Friday , the experience was no big deal.  However, I knew the ladies would be upset that they missed seeing this ‘Hollywood Hunk.’ Therefore, I kept the following journal, carefully detailing my experience so they would feel as if they were there.

Dear Ladies,pitt

Last night, actor Brad Pitt stopped by our office holiday party.

I have to say, you didn’t miss much.

First of all, he came down the chimney, which everybody thought was kind of cool, until he noticed the front entrance and screamed “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THIS PLACE HAD A DOOR?!” at the hostess.

Then he stuck his hands in the mac and cheese, trying to wash off the soot and after that he went around saying “hi, Brad Pitt, nice to meet you” to people, extending his sooty-gray mac and cheese coated hands.

Then he walked over to the punch bowl, took a taste and said “here, let me spike that for you” and picked up the punch bowl and threw it on the floor, shattering it.

He pulled out a piece of mistletoe and started creating extremely awkward situations by trying to get people to kiss who shouldn’t kiss, such as my boss and the waiter, the chef and my coworkers’ prime rib dinner and complete strangers and wives whose husbands had gone to the bathroom.

As the company was handing out gifts, Pitt kept announcing ‘Yankee swap’ and taking people’s gifts and handing them pieces of bread from the table.

When my boss pointed out that we’re not doing a Yankee swap, Pitt grabbed him by the collar, led him out to the valet driver, handed him a hundred bucks and my boss’s valet ticket and said “here, drive this into a lake.”

As he walked back inside, Pitt stuffed an entire bowl of candy canes into his pockets, claiming he was going to give them to ‘some crippled kids in need.’ When the hostess told him that candy canes were too small and not sturdy enough to support a child, Pitt started yelling at her, but as he was yelling, he tried to support his weight with a candy cane, of course causing him to fall right to the ground.

And as he hit the ground he started crying, for five minutes straight, claiming he was going to “call the cops”

A little girl was ringing a small bell and Pitt snatched it out of her hands and confusingly said “stop that! Every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings!”

Pitt then walked up to a young guy with a very short dark beard, who looked nothing like St. Nick, and started yanking at his beard, bitterly saying “you’re not the real Santa Claus!”

Pitt then jumped up on a table and yelled “I’ve got a little Christmas Bonus for you” and with that he started thrusting his hips violently while singing ‘Jingle Bells’ at the top of his lungs.

Pitt then jumped down, said “Happy Boxing Day” to some guy before punching him in the stomach, and then crawled back into the chimney, spending the next hour or so trying to shimmy his way back up.

I will have to say, however, that having a big celebrity like Brad Pitt really added a cool element to this year’s holiday party.

Sincerely,

Tim

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About Tim Kochenderfer

I'm about yay-high and weigh about yay pounds

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