One of the highlights of my life was taking part in the national Spelling Bee. I was just 12 years old at the time. The world was my oyster, the eyes of America were upon me and I had a bright future ahead of myself as a professional speller, working at one of the nation’s … Continue reading
Recently I was contacted by actress (?) Selena Gomez. She told me she had planned to write a letter, breaking up with her boyfriend Justin Bieber, but heard that I moonlight as a ghostwriter for celebrities (Tom Cruise, Kristen Stewart, Nicki Minaj ,Justin Timberlake). Gomez asked me if I would write the breakup letter for … Continue reading
I am so sick and tired of people stealing my ideas for inventions. Last night I was watching TV and this commercial came on that took my idea for a giant shower head built into the ceiling. Then I changed the channel and a commercial came on that stole my idea for bears that can … Continue reading
I knew the bright lights city of Las Vegas would set my soul on fire, but I never knew it would set my pants on fire as well, which it did.
Over the weekend, I made a stunning discovery. I was getting ready for my niece’s baptism and couldn’t find my black suit. “Just wear your pin striped suit,” my wife suggested. “Pin stripes?” I asked. “What is this, Mardi Gras?” “Suit yourself,” she replied. “I’m trying,” I responded going through my closet. Finally, I made … Continue reading
As I was heading out the door today to perform the great American privilege of voting, I glanced back to notice my pet monkey, Chip Dip. He was on his knees and had a look on his face that seemed to say ‘please, take me with you’ (that or he was looking for something). I was … Continue reading
They say more young people vote for the next American Idol than in the Presidential Election, but I think with a few changes, our nation could change that trend. First of all, allow people to vote with their cell phones. I say if they want to take their phones in the voting booths let them! Second, instead … Continue reading
If you’re a ghost in the 1950’s, probably the most frustrating thing is when you’ve just invested all of this time and effort into learning how to turn television sets on and off by themselves, only to find out some idiot has just invented the remote control.
“We only had one trick-or-treater last night,” I told Karen, “a little boy dressed as Darth Vader.” “Is that Bev’s kid?” she asked. “No,” I replied, “It’s the bad guy from Star Wars.”