To All Of My MySpace ‘Friends’ Who Didn’t Wish Me A Happy Birthday

Last year, on my birthday, I made a sobering discovery.  Not all of my Facebook ‘friends’ had bothered to wish me a happy birthday, despite the fact that such a gesture only takes 5 seconds to post and an average of an hour and 25 minutes to compose after just one week of preparation and research (or so is my assumption).

This year, I was pleased to find that the majority of you had indeed taken the time to wish me a happy birthday and those who haven’t, I assume, are either fingerless, or dead (or both?)

However, I was jarred to make another horrible discovery.

None of you, not a single one, bothered to wish me a happy birthday on Myspace.

Now I realize, I have been losing friends on Myspace at an alarming rate.

It seems like almost every time I log on, my friend count is lower.  Not only that, it feels like no one responds to my wall postings (if I haven’t returned your phone calls, or if I’ve tossed a mildly hot cup of coffee in your lap at a restaurant, this likely is the reason).

I had assumed that many of you were just upset that I have yet to place you in my Top 8 friends, or perhaps that you don’t like the music that plays when you log onto my page (Kim Kardashian’s ‘Jam – Turn It Up!)

But to not wish me a happy birthday?

Look, I’m not mad.

I mean, yes I did likely print out your Myspace page and light it on fire but that’s it.

The only question I have now, is why.  What could I have done that was so horrible that you would ignore me on Myspace?

Is it because on Facebook, when you posted that your dog had run away, I commented with ‘LMAO’? I was trying to think of a quick way to say ‘Look More Around Oakland.’

Is it because I signed you up for jury duty?  I thought you would make a good juror.

Is it because when you asked if I wanted to see ‘Lincoln’ at 7:30, I assumed you were planning to kill me.  I didn’t know it was a movie.

Is it because under your profile picture I commented ‘wow, your grandmother hasn’t aged a bit.’ I haven’t seen you in a long time!

Is it because I told you those waffles I made were gluten free and then you got sick after you ate them? I’ve told you a thousand times, I did not put gluten in those waffles.

If not these reasons? Why?

I have a right to know.

Love,

Tim