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Satire

Curse You He-Man! You’ve Made A Fool Of Me!

Recently at work I made a shocking and alarming discovery; most of the women in my office don’t know who He-Man is.

As someone who grew up watching the cartoon and dreaming of one day himself becoming the  ‘Most Powerful Man In The Universe,’ I was extremely confused by this.  Was I getting old? Did these ladies think I said Bee-Man?

“I said He-Man!  Not Bee-Man!  He-Man!” I blurted out a few times throughout the day just to be safe, but this seemed to only confuse them more.

Finally, I had enough.  I rounded everyone up in the office and forced them to watch an entire season of ‘Masters Of The Universe.’

Unfortunately, I had forgotten that He-Man was a syndicated, five-day a week half hour show and it took the staff a couple of weeks to make it through the whole thing.

“So,” I said eagerly as they emerged from the viewing room. “Do you have more or less respect for me now than you did two weeks ago?”

“Less!” they rudely and wearily insisted.

“Is it something I did, or is it something He-Man did?” I asked.

“You!  You locked us in a room for weeks and made us watch some kids cartoon and you only supplied us with crackers to eat!”

“Kids cart…” then it dawned on me.  I did admire He-Man as a child, but I hadn’t seen the show since the third grade.  Could it be possible the show wasn’t as great as I remembered?

“Can we go home now please?” they asked as I was thinking this.

“In a bit,” I said. “So it was definitely He-Man’s fault?”

“Your fault!” they insisted.

With that I ran into the viewing room and watched, only to be horrified to face the awful truth:  He-Man wasn’t as awesome as I remembered. In fact, there were many, many terrible things about the show.

The Dialogue: In one episode, a woman is walking through the woods, trips over a branch and starts falling into what can only be an incredibly deep pit.  “I’M FALLLLLLLLLIINNNNNGGGGG!” she immediately yells upon her descent.  Ohhhhh, that’s what you’re doing!  I was wondering why the scenery behind you was changing so quickly.

In another episode, Skeletor (do not ask me who he is) communicates to his henchmen through a crystal ball. “This is the voice of Skeletor!” he begins his message.  Oh, it’s only the voice of Skeletor.  Just in case anyone was thinking that Skeletor was now a talking crystal ball.  This is like me calling someone and beginning the conversation with ‘this is the voice of Tim’ to clear up any confusion that I had suddenly become a phone.

The Characters:Man-E-Faces – billed as the “heroic master of disguise” in that he can ‘change’ from a human, to a robot, to a monster, yet it is only his face that changes while his body and head are uniquely different from other He-Man characters.  This makes him more recognizable than any character on the show, yet he’s constantly

Man-E-Faces

fooling his collegues.

Mer-Man – Evil Ocean Warlord – his voice sounds like he has water in the back of his throat which makes no sense on land or under the sea.

Mekanek – Heroic Human Periscope – possesses the power to extend his neck.  Not threatening.

Two Letters Can Turn Anything Evil

You can tell which characters are bad guys simply by checking whether their names end in OR.  A skeleton = Skeletor.  A panther = Panthor. Stinker = Stinkor.  etc.

You can use this technique at home to turn most small appliances evil.  Change your blender into Blendor.  Your mixer can become Mixor.

I now face a situation in which I must distance myself from He-Man.  I’m thinking about going to work dressed as a Go-Bot. People still remember those, right?

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About Tim Kochenderfer

I'm about yay-high and weigh about yay pounds

Discussion

3 thoughts on “Curse You He-Man! You’ve Made A Fool Of Me!

  1. I wrote a skit for my writing class at Second City about He-Man. I knew it was going to kill. However, nobody in the class knew who he was! Are you frickin’ kidding me? So, when I chose the actors I had to act it out for them to try and understand, which being that I’m a girl you can imagine how terribly wrong it all went. I felt old, alone and defeated.

    Posted by marrymeknot | November 29, 2012, 5:51 pm
  2. He-Man was awesome! It was a toy that came with a comic and had a cartoon I could watch. Talk about the geek trifecta.

    Posted by Ammon | November 29, 2012, 12:39 am

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