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The Horrible, Horrible Time Brad Pitt Stopped By Black Friday

Movie star Brad Pitt recently stopped by the store where I was standing in line early on Black Friday. Being as how I’ve already seen Brad Pitt in person several times, first, when he filmed a movie at my office , again when he worked out at my gym, another time at the coffee shop, at the gas station, at the beach, and at the grocery store, so the experience was no big deal.  However, I knew the ladies would be upset that they missed seeing this ‘Hollywood Hunk.’ Therefore, I kept the following journal, carefully detailing my experience so they would feel as if they were there.

Dear Ladies

This past Friday, actor Brad Pitt showed up as I was waiting in line at a store for Black Friday Bargains.

I have to say, you didn’t miss much.

First of all, he kept ‘checking’ the doors every five minutes to ‘make sure the store hadn’t opened without them telling anybody.’

Second, he kept walking up and down the line asking people for a few bucks so he could ‘buy some black Friday stuff.’

There was a tent at the front of the line where some teens were camping out and Pitt walked right in, zipped up the flap and asked if they minded if he smoked.

When the teens said they did mind, Pitt hooked their tent up to his Jeep Liberty and peeled out, dragging the tent from the front of the line to the back of the parking lot.

After the tent was all twisted up in some shrubs, Pitt got out, lit an entire pack of cigarettes, tossed them in the tent then hit the ground, as if he expected the whole thing was going to explode.

Pitt looked up to see the line starting to move a little and made a mad dash for the front door, only he stopped half way in the parking lot huffing and wheezing.  “Steroids!” he shouted, “I need steroids!”

Someone had called an ambulance and when it arrived, Pitt somehow tricked the EMS workers into wheeling him right to the front of the line.

When Pitt finally got inside, he demanded to see the doorbusters. When a store clerk led him over to a stack of blenders for $19.99, Pitt grabbed two of them and started trying to smash the door with them.

A security guard tried to stop him and Pitt pulled out his wallet and held it up saying “I’m one of you” and as he held it up a bunch of receipts for Dunkin Donuts flew out.

The security guard tried to lead the actor out of the store, but Pitt ran over to a register, took the governor off of a conveyor belt, picked up the guard and tossed him on top, sending him flying into the display featuring the store’s minimum five 60 inch televisions for $999.

Pitt then climbed to the top shelf of the kitchen appliance aisle and shouted “HERE’S A REAL DOORBUSTER FOR YA’LL!!! EARLY BIRDS ONLY!” and started thrusting his hips violently.

Then, when he got down, he informed everyone who had watched that the deal time had expired and then demanded that they pay him full price for what they had just witnessed.

Pitt then walked over to the megaphone display, ripped one out of the package and shouted, “I’M GONNA CYBER-BULLY YA’LL ON MONDAY” before running out of the store.

I will say, it was cool to see a big Hollywood star like Brad Pitt out shopping with the common folks on Black Friday.



About Stickwick Stapers

I'm about yay-high and weigh about yay pounds


11 thoughts on “The Horrible, Horrible Time Brad Pitt Stopped By Black Friday

  1. Brad never disappoints.

    Posted by becca3416 | November 26, 2012, 1:27 pm
  2. Oooh, that brad pitt is so bold. I mean, Irish bold, not English bold. If he were here now, I’d skelp his ass and put him on the naughty chair.

    Posted by minlit | November 26, 2012, 2:41 am
    • What’s the difference between Irish bold and English bold? I’ve always known the Irish to be quite pleasant.

      Posted by Tim Kochenderfer | November 26, 2012, 4:37 pm
      • Well Irish bold is a bad thing, equating to English naughty. English bold is still daring (unless they’ve changed it without telling me, which is the sort of thing that goes on, you know). However, it’s also a detergent. As for quite pleasant… hmm. Maybe you got us on a good day 😉

        Posted by minlit | November 27, 2012, 3:45 am


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