Recently I was contacted by actress (?) Selena Gomez. She told me she had planned to write a letter, breaking up with her boyfriend Justin Bieber, but heard that I moonlight as a ghostwriter for celebrities (Tom Cruise, Kristen Stewart, Nicki Minaj ,Justin Timberlake). Gomez asked me if I would write the breakup letter for her. I told her I was in the middle of an apology letter from General Petraeus to his wife, but would bump her request to the front. Unfortunately, Ms. Gomez was anything but pleased with my work. Her notes to me appear in red.
Dear Justin Beaver (Bieber! And I wouldn’t address him with his first and last name, I’m his girlfriend)
Before you read the rest of this letter, I just wanted to say, do you have any of my stuff? (this seems like a petty way to start a break-up) Think carefully. Maybe I let you borrow one of my shirts? (he wouldn’t fit into one of my shirts, he’s a guy!). Maybe one time we were swimming or something and a bald eagle swooped down and stole your shorts and you had to wear mine? (I would remember if something like this happened!) If so, please return my things to me immediately before you continue to read this letter. I’ll be right here. (what do you mean I’ll be right here. This isn’t being written in real time. I don’t like how this started. It makes it sound like I think he’s a thief)
Doooo doo dee dooo doo dee dooo dooo…. (what are these, waiting noises?)
Alright, so, if you made it this far that means you’ve returned my stuff. I probably acted really surprised to see you. Never mind that. Let’s proceed. Do you have any more of my stuff? (again?! Is this really necessary?!) I’ll give you a little more time to get it back to me.
Dooooooooo dooo dooo. Bummm bummmm bummm.
Cool. Thanks. So…
I totally forgot what I was going to say. (if I forgot what I was going to say, I just wouldn’t write anything until I remembered)
Hmm. Must have been nothing. (It was not nothing! I gave you specific instructions)
So, did you see there was a presidential election. ( Everyone saw that! what does this have to do with anything!) Do you know who won? (how could anyone not know who won?) I’ve been trying to find out but it’s nowhere on the internet. (it’s everywhere on the internet!) Maybe I’m doing something wrong though. I’m still taking classes on how to use the world wide web (the internet) (I am not!)
Oh yeah, I remember now what I was going to say.
Do you want to break up? I do! (I said I wanted to let him down easy!)
I know, this may come as a surprise to you. You likely have a lot of questions. I will attempt to answer them for you.
Question one: Why is this happening? Answer: Because I don’t like you any more (that’s mean! It makes it sound like I’m in 6th grade!)
Question two: How is this happening? Answer: How indeed 😉 (that’s not a good answer! And the winky face doesn’t help!)
Question three: Who is this happening? Answer: That question doesn’t make sense. (then why would I think he would pose it?)
Anywho, hope that clears things up. (that cleared nothing up!)
Smell ya later (not appropriate)
Serena Williams (Selena Gomez! I told you that repeatedly during our conversation!)
P.S – Please make sure you bring back all of my stuff. I you do not, I will be forced to contact the police. (stop asking for my stuff!)
Tim, this letter would not let Justin down easy as you assured me it would. Please do not send it.