Over the weekend, I made a stunning discovery.
“Just wear your pin striped suit,” my wife suggested.
“Pin stripes?” I asked. “What is this, Mardi Gras?”
“Suit yourself,” she replied.
“I’m trying,” I responded going through my closet. Finally, I made the only decision that seemed to make sense. I grabbed my tuxedo.
“I can’t believe you’re wearing that,” my wife was furious.
“I wouldn’t be mad if you wore your wedding dress,” I pointed out.
“It’s not appropriate for the situation!” she said.
But it turned out she was wrong. In fact, when the usher saw how important we looked because of my tux, he moved us to the front of the church and moved an elderly couple out of their seats so we could sit up front. My wife was clearly in disbelief because she sat through Mass with her hand covering her face.
After the baptism, my sister seemed confused by my wardrobe choice as well.
“What are you doing?” she asked. “You can’t come in here dressed more formal than the father or the godfather, it’s…”
But at that moment the priest interrupted and asked if I wanted to say anything before we began the sacrament. My sister seemed annoyed by this, so I kept my impromptu speech at a tight 15 minutes.
In the parking lot outside of the church, people kept congratulating me.
“Thank you,” I would reply.
“HE didn’t do anything!” my sister pointed out. “My daughter was baptized!”
I just kind of smiled and shrugged at the people.
“You completely upstaged the baby,” my wife said on the way home.
“You’re right,” I remarked amazed, “I did completely upstage the baby.”
“Stop repeating what I say in a manner that makes it sound like I’m impressed by what you did,” my wife fired back.
I decided to test this theory out at work. The CEO was in town and I decided to peek my head into a meeting.
“What are you doing here Kochenderfer?!” my boss said. “This meeting is for management only!”
“Who is this well-dressed devil?” the CEO asked.
“He’s no one, just a…” my boss began but was cut off.
“Well, for a no one, he’s the only one of you who decided to pay me the respect of dressing up,” the CEO pointed out.
“This is a three thousand dollar suit!” my boss replied, referring to his own wardrobe.
“I think he’s lying,” I whispered to the CEO. The CEO agreed and kicked him out of the meeting. I was invited to stay for the rest, but it got really boring.
“Upstage me will you?!” my boss was waiting out in the hallway. My boss grabbed me by the lapels, tearing them. He ripped off my boutonniere, stomped on it and pinned it back on my torn lapels. He grabbed a top hat, seemingly out of nowhere, punched the top out, smeared dirt on my face and opened the door to the conference room.
“Now get in there!” he shouted.
Sure enough, I was kicked out by the CEO. No bums allowed, was his policy.
I was tossed out the door, onto the sidewalk. Immediately, people began showering me with change.
I looked over to see a gang of bums, punching their fists in the palms of the hands.
“Upstage us will you?!” they shouted.
Those hobos beat me mercilessly.
I learned a very valuable lesson from all of this. E = MC squared.