As I was heading out the door today to perform the great American privilege of voting, I glanced back to notice my pet monkey, Chip Dip. He was on his knees and had a look on his face that seemed to say ‘please, take me with you’ (that or he was looking for something).
I was moved by his patriotism. How could I say no? I swaddled the monkey up like a baby and brought him to the voting booth.
As soon as I closed the curtain, I began to regret my decision. Each time I made an attempt to select a candidate, Chip Dip would make a disapproving noise.
Finally, I decided to ignore the monkey voting commenced.
Chip Dip just shook his head with each selection.
“Would you knock that off?
I went to make my selection for Senate when suddenly I heard this loud ‘clunk.’
The monkey had pulled the lever.
“CHIP DIP!!!!!” I shouted. “YOU FORCED ME TO VOTE FOR ALL THIRD PARTY CANDIDATES!!!!”
I chased the monkey around the precinct for 45 minutes, all the while, Chip Dip hopped in and out of voting booths, pulling levers and slapping ‘I voted’ stickers on people. They were furious.
Finally, the monkey managed to escape through an open window.
I went home, and sat by the door, simmering in anger. Eventually, the doorbell rang.
I opened the door, expecting to see the monkey.
“Chip Dip, I hope you realize what you’ve…” but I looked up to see what looked like a candidate standing there.
“My name is Jeff Jefferson,” he introduced himself. “I represent the American Taxpayer Party. I was elected today and I understand I have you to thank for rallying the vote. Finally, our party gets the respect it deserves.”
“Well, actually, I didn’t really intend for that to happen…” I began to tell him.
“SO YOU’RE TELLING ME I WAS ELECTED IRONICALLY?!!!!” he shouted and began chasing me around my own living room for 45 minutes until I finally managed to escape through an open window. I nearly landed on Chip Dip.
“Well, old boy,” I told him, “I guess every vote does count.”
Chip Dip looked at me, pulled out a slip of paper and handed it over. It was a petition to have me banned from town. The monkey was trying to get it on the ballot.
“CHIP DIP!!!” I shouted.
Man, I don’t know why I keep that thing.