Over the weekend I was contacted by singer Justin Timberlake. He told me he heard I work on the side as a bit of a ghost-writer/crisis manager for celebrities (Tom Cruise, Kristen Stewart, Nicki Minaj ) and that he needed someone to write a persuasive apology letter to fans who may have been offended by a video played at his wedding by his friends, mocking the homeless. I told him I had planned to take shelter from Hurricane Sandy, but for him, I’d do it. Unfortunately, Mr. Timberlake was anything but pleased with my work. Below is the letter I wrote on his behalf. Justin Timberlake’s notes are in red bold print.
Dear fans who have access to the internet, (if they’re reading this they obviously have access to the internet. This designation is not necessary)
I wanted to address a situation that has sparked a lot of controversy at my “wedding.” (why are you putting quotations around the word wedding? It makes it seem like I’m implying the event was a sham)
I’m, of course, talking about the video, shot by my friends, featuring various homeless
people congratulating my wife and I. If you haven’t seen the video, it will be out in theaters Thanksgiving weekend. (not true)
When I saw that video, believe me, no one was more angry than I was. (good) How dare the homeless attempt to hijack my wedding? (this is not why I was upset!) Even worse, were these vagrants going to show up at my wedding?! (you’re making it worse, not better)
I don’t know, I’m asking you! (first of all, how could I not know, this happened in the past. Second of all, the fans have no way to instantly answer this question, as you insist they do)
Luckily, my friends managed to convince me that the bum video was part of a gag, unfortunately not before I called the (there’s only one??) Italian fire department. (this never happened). Boy, were they angry when they showed up and didn’t find a fire. They yelled at me in Italian, which is the equivalent of being yelled at in English through a megaphone (where are you getting this?)
The entire ordeal has not only upset you and me, but my lovely bride Britney as well. (Britney?? Wait, Britney Spears?? You think I’m still with Britney Spears?? We broke up like ten years ago!)
What ever happened to Netscape Navigator? (what does this have to do with anything?)
Anyway, the video, I’m told, was hilarious (don’t say this) and I understand that someone removed it from the internet which is why people are offended. (this is not why people are offended)
So, I’ve come up with some homeless jokes that I hope will make up for it: (oh please don’t)
- Question: Why did the homeless guy cross the road?
Answer: To get a house (lame)
- Question: How many homeless people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: Ten (what?! That doesn’t even make sense)
- Knock Knock
A homeless guy
A homeless guy who?
A homeless guy a homeless guy (what, did a five-year-old write this joke? We shouldn’t be joking about this)
Welp, time to Scadadal. (terrible ending)
Tim, this letter accomplished almost none of the goals we had discussed. I’m going to go with a different writer. Please do not send this.