The Horrible, Horrible Time Brad Pitt Visited My Grocery Store

Movie star Brad Pitt recently stopped into the grocery store as I was shopping one evening. Being as how I’ve already seen Brad Pitt in person several times, first, when he filmed a movie at my office , again when he worked out at my gym, another time at the coffee shop, at the gas station, and at the beach the experience was no big deal.  However, I knew the ladies would be upset that they missed seeing this ‘Hollywood Hunk.’ Therefore, I kept the following journal, carefully detailing my experience so they would feel as if they were there.

Dear Ladies,

As you may have heard, Brad Pitt recently stopped by the grocery store where I shop. I have to say, you didn’t miss much.

First of all, he was walking way too fast and didn’t give the automatic door enough time to open and ended up smacking right into the glass.

He then fell backwards onto the sidewalk and tears welled up in his eyes.

As people were walking past him, he kept shouting “quit crying!”

Then, he chose the exact opposite solution to the problem that he should have and ran full speed at the door, only to slam right into the glass again.

After about a half hour of making attempts, Pitt managed to finally managed to “sneak” through the doors by “hiding” under the bottle returns in some old lady’s shopping cart, only the old lady ended up going right into the bottle return area and Pitt started screaming when the doors began to close.

When Pitt finally got into the store, he asked some lady if he could ride around in her cart.  When the lady said no, Pitt jumped in her cart anyway, crushing two loaves of bread and a dozen eggs.

Pitt walked over to the produce section and took a bite out of every apple and after he’d take a bite he’d say either “crap” or “rotten” and toss them aside.

Then, when a teenage clerk walked by, Pitt sarcastically asked “where’d you get these apples from, a…” but Pitt hadn’t thought up a punchline, so he made the clerk wait there for 15 minutes until he came up with a punch line, which was “a crap apple tree?”

When the clerk didn’t laugh, Pitt grabbed him by the collar, tossed him into a shopping cart and pushed the shopping cart into a display of soup cans.

Then, Pitt walked over the meat department and even though the sign read take “a” number, Pitt swiped off about 50 numbers and started handing them out to random customers, so the meat department got really backed up.

Pitt walked into aisle 5, opened a jar of peanut butter, dipped his fingers inside and shouted “free allergy tests!”

When the store manager told Pitt to stop chasing people, Pitt smeared peanut butter on his lips, kissed the manager violently, tossed him in a shopping cart and pushed him into the clerk, who was almost done cleaning up the soup cans.

Then Pitt jumped up on the checkout counter and shouted “HERE’S SOME EXTREME COUPONING FOR YA’LL!!!” and started thrusting his hips violently, only Pitt hadn’t realized he jumped on the conveyor belt and went flying off.

He then grabbed a megaphone and shouted “47 percent ch’all!” and ran full speed into the exit door.

I will say, however, that it was pretty cool seeing a big star like Brad Pitt at the grocery store.

Sincerely,

Tim