Over the weekend, I was contacted by Nicki Minaj’s people. They were in need of someone to write a persuasive apology letter on the singer’s behalf to Mariah Carey. They said the two had some sort of falling out. I informed them that I hadn’t heard of any such falling out and to please double-check their facts. After a long talk, they asked me if I would ghostwrite such a letter. I told them the idea sounded terrifying but I would do it. Unfortunately, Ms. Minaj’s people were anything but pleased. Below is the letter I wrote on Minaj’s behalf. Her agent’s notes are in bold.
It’s me, Nicki Minaj (sp?) (Nicki would know how to spell her own last name! And she certainly wouldn’t be asking others how to spell it!) from the video where I tried to kill you (Nicki did not try to kill Mariah in the video! You’re going to get her in legal trouble! And Mariah certainly doesn’t need a reference to figure out who Nicki Minaj is and if she did, it would be from real life, not a video that they were both in).
It seems like you’re mad at me? (what do you mean seems? Clearly she is). When I heard this, it reminded me of my song ‘Opposites Attract’ (that’s a Paula Abdul song, not a Nicki Minaj song) only instead of being a song about a monkey and an owl (where are you getting this?) it’s about you and me, and instead of being about two different things that attract, it’s about two similar things, but one wants to shoot the other (Idiot! She’s going to take this as a threat!)
What show are we on again? (why wouldn’t she know what show she’s on?! Do your research!)
I want you to know that when I heard you hired extra security after our incident, it made me really upset and it really made me think (good). Why is Paula (Mariah) trying to make things so much harder for me? (Idiot! She’s not trying to go after Mariah!)
Listen, I want you to know, that even though I sometimes lose my temper and say things I might regret, I….
Hang on a second, I have to go to the bathroom. (letters aren’t written in real time! You just go to the bathroom and pick up where you left off!)
Okay, I’m back. What was I going to say? I forgot. (Go back and read what you wrote! It’s up there!) Must not have been important (it was super important!)
Anyway, I want you to know, I have no intention of shooting you (good). Any hitmen I may have hired (no!) have been called back (she didn’t hire hitmen!) Although there were a couple that I couldn’t get a hold of (idiot!) but I did get their voicemail (this wouldn’t make her feel better!).
Peace out Brussels Sprout (not appropriate for the situation)
Tim, this letter accomplished none of the goals we had discussed. We’re going to go with a different writer. Please do not send this.