Recently, I made an amazing discovery.
I was at the butcher’s counter at the grocery store, standing in line for a great sale they had on chicken breasts.
“Could I get a rain check?” I asked the butcher.
“You wish,” he laughed. “Now keep moving. People behind you want to buy prime rib.”
I glanced back to the people behind me. They shrugged their shoulders as if they had no idea what the butcher was talking about.
“Come on man, it was in your ad,” I persisted.
“Keep moving bottom feeder,” he said.
Angry, I walked out of line, but when I came to the sign in the window I stopped.
Prime Rib – $9.99, it read
I grabbed a nearby marker and added the words “for clowns” next to the words “prime rib.”
Eventually, the store emptied.
“What did you do?!” the butcher was furious.
He tried to erase the “for clowns” portion from the sign but a customer saw him do it and accused him of trying to pawn off clown meat on the general public.
Proud of myself, I realized something fantastic. That no one wants to be associated with anything intended “for clowns.”
My route to work was under construction and the suggested detour had become extremely congested. I managed to hack into the electric sign and added the words “for clowns” next to the word “detour.”
The route almost instantly cleared out and my ride to work was smooth.
A friend of mine, an accountant said he couldn’t hang out with me because the tax deadline was approaching. I added the words “for clowns” after the sign that read “April 15th is Tax Day” and his scheduled cleared right up.
Eventually, I began abusing “for clowns.”
I didn’t feel Panera Bread’s Summer Offerings menu wasn’t summery enough, so I added “for clowns” to the advertising.
I thought the shampoo-conditioner I was using didn’t live up to claims that it added volume and shine, so I carefully relabeled every bottle “for clowns.”
Then things really got out of control.
I added “for clowns” to the stop sign at the corner that I felt was unnecessary and traffic flowed freely.
Soon, every single shop, restaurant, one-way sign, left turn signal and gas price sign was labeled “for clowns.”
Businesses closed up.
Restaurants shut down.
The mayor was furious with me.
“You’ve turned this place into a ghost town!” he yelled.
“Maybe you should add “for ghosts” to the signs,” I suggested.
One day, I was in a bar when a gang of angry clowns stormed in. They said I had made their lives a living hell.
“I went to a ‘tailor for clowns’ the other day,” one of them complained. “Those guys had no idea how to tailor our outfits!”
With that, it was a deafening symphony of beeps, honks, boings and bells as the clowns beat me mercilessly.
I awoke in a puddle of seltzer (or, at least I assumed it was seltzer. It kind of tasted like 7-Up).
I decided to make it up to the clowns.
I traveled to the circus and removed the word clown from every bit of advertising. Unfortunately, this ruined business for the clown show and the circus had to shut down.
Now, I don’t mess with signs at all. I realized, they’re around for a reason. In fact, I now go around town and add the words “do not enhance the signs” to the signs.
I’m not sure if it’s making a difference. It has caused a number of traffic accidents, though.