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The Horrible, Horrible Speech Brad Pitt Had Planned For The Republican National Convention

Last night’s speech by Clint Eastwood at the Republican National Convention left many people puzzled.  Eastwood was slated to be the surprise speaker at the RNC, but surprisingly, the GOP had planned to bring in Hollywood hunk Brad Pitt to speak.  The party quickly changed its mind after reading the speech below. We got our hands on a copy. Notes by the convention’s producer are in bold.

Surprise Muchachos! (you don’t have to begin a surprise speech with the word ‘surprise’)

Sorry to interrupt your speech Mrs. Romney (we don’t want you interrupting Mrs, Romney’s speech! That’s not what we meant when we said suprise)  , but your boyfriend (husband) Mitt asked me to (he did not ask you to interrupt this crucial speech)

Let me just wrap up your speech. (grab her papers. Dramatic pause) Bye! (pause for laughter)  (people would not laugh at this rude gesture)

Let me ask ya’ll a question.  Are you better off now than you were a year ago? Alright, one at a time please, starting with you in the front (you can’t take the time to get the answer from every audience member! We’re pretty sure what it will be!)

Okay, sounds like ya’ll are better off than you were four years ago (this is a crowd of Republicans! No one is going to say they were better off!)

Hey, how bout that Paul Ryan (wait for audience to ask who) (everyone knows who he is!) Paul Ryan! (look out onto crowd, likely a lot of confused people) Come on guys! Geez! (Why do you think no one in this crowd will know who their Vice Presidential candidate is?!)

Moving on. (What were you going to say about Paul Ryan?!)

Let’s talk America. (wait for USA Chants) (this is good) (wait for band to possibly break into National Anthem) (this likely won’t happen) (If band breaks into National Anthem cut them off, and adlib something about wasting my time) (do not do this!)

America is one of the greatest countries in the world (THE greatest!).  Definitely in the top five. (It is the top!)

Who wants some baseballs?! (grab bat. Start hitting balls into the crowd. Finish by autographing bat and whipping it as far as possible into audience.  Pause 2 minutes for applause.  Stand still and keep straight face during this applause as we may be tight on time) (doing this would likely injure several audience members, I doubt anyone would be applauding)

Here’s a free movie for you all (take off tie. Unbutton shirt. Allow five minutes for this) (why would you do this? And why five minutes?!) (Unbutton pants if there’s time) (Don’t!) (Jump up on podium. DO NOT FALL! Start thrusting hips violently.  Try not to look out at the faces of the people who are really getting into it. You might lose your balance.) (Please don’t do this)

Now pay up hosers! That will be 20 bucks each! 30 if you’re from the North! (what?!) (run around audience collecting cash)(this won’t happen)

Paul – Nader 2024! (this ticket would never happen and both men would be elderly or dead by then!)

Peace out Brussels Sprouts! (weird)

(sprint out of convention center, down the street and jump into ocean) (Why is this necessary?!)

Thank you for this speech Mister Pitt, but I think we’ll be going with a different surprise celebrity instead.

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About Tim Kochenderfer

I'm about yay-high and weigh about yay pounds

Discussion

3 thoughts on “The Horrible, Horrible Speech Brad Pitt Had Planned For The Republican National Convention

  1. Pitt is such a stand up guy in your posts.

    Posted by becca3416 | September 4, 2012, 4:53 pm
  2. hahaha I’m pretty sure that would be considered an awesome, awesome speech to everyone except Mrs. Romney. And by everyone, I mean me.

    Posted by Brianna's Happy Life | August 31, 2012, 9:20 am

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