The Horrible, Horrible Time Brad Pitt Visited My Beach

Movie star Brad Pitt recently visited the beach as I was enjoying a summer afternoon. Being as how I’ve already seen Brad Pitt in person four times, first, when he filmed a movie at my office , again when he worked out at my gym, another time at the coffee shop, and once more at the gas station,  the experience was no big deal.  However, I knew the ladies would be upset that they missed seeing this ‘Hollywood Hunk.’ Therefore, I kept the following journal, carefully detailing my experience so they would feel as if they were there.

Dear Ladies,

As you may have heard, actor Brad Pitt stopped by the beach where I was laying out this weekend. I have to say, you didn’t miss much.

First of all, what he kept calling his ‘speedo’ was clearly a ladies bikini bottom.

Secondly, he kept asking guys to help him ‘cream up’ so he ‘wouldn’t burn.’

Pitt could have picked any spot on the beach to lay down his blanket, but he decided to put it down right on top of some kid’s sandcastle.

He pulled out a huge boombox and started blasting DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince’s ‘Parents just don’t Understand’ and as he was blasting it, he was pumping his fist in the air and nodding his head like he was really into it.  When nearby beachgoers complained, Pitt told them to shut up and that they were drowning out the song’s message.

An old lady was putting on sunscreen and Pitt asked if she needed help. When the lady smiled and said yes, Pitt pulled out a squeezable bottle of Hellman’s Mayonnaise and started rubbing it into her shoulders. When he finished he said ‘there you go, pervert.’

He then pulled out a loaf of bread and started making trails leading from people’s blankets to a large flock of seagulls.

You’re not supposed to harass endangered marine life, but he kept lassoing sea turtle after sea turtle, maniacally laughing ‘where’s Jaws to save you now?! Ha ha ha ha ha!  Lunch time!”

When the lifeguard pointed out that you’re not allowed to eat sea turtles, Pitt grabbed him by the whistle, tossed him on a jet ski, locked down the accelerator and shot the lifeguard off over the horizon.

Pitt then climbed up the lifeguard’s stand, walked up to the edge and shouted ‘here’s a free summer blockbuster for ya’ll!’ and started thrusting his hips, violently.

Pitt then went around, blanket to blanket, demanding people go to their cars, get their wallets and “pay the 20 dollars for the performance.”

He then grabbed megaphone from the lifeguard shack, turned it on and shouted ‘YOU’RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER BOAT M-FERS!” followed by “ROBERT PATTINSON HAD IT COMING!” before jumping into the ocean and doggy paddling off into the sunset.

I do have to say, however, that it was cool to say I’ve been to the same beach as a big Hollywood star.

Sincerely,

Tim