Over the weekend, I was contacted by actress Kristen Stewart. She told me she needed someone who could write a persuasive letter, one that could convince her lover Robert Pattinson, out of breaking up with her for cheating on him with a married man. I informed Stewart that I hadn’t heard anything about these cheating allegations or the break-up and I asked her to please double-check her information. After a long talk, she asked if I would ghost-write such a letter. I told her the idea sounded terrifying but I would do it for her. Unfortunately, Miss Stewart was anything but pleased with my work. Below is the letter I wrote on her behalf. Kristen Stewart’s notes are in parenthesis, in bold
Dear Dracula, (He didn’t play Dracula! And I’m not writing to a character in a film!)
I am Kristina (Kristen!) Stewart. I played one of the girls in the movie Twilight (I was the main character, I wasn’t just ‘one of the girls’ and he doesn’t need this reference being as how we dated!) You may also remember me from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, (I wasn’t in this film) Driving Ms. Daisy (nope), and, of course my Oscar winning role as Sandra Bullock in ‘The Blind Side.’ (this claim makes no sense)
I’m also singer Rod Stewart’s great granddaughter. (wrong)
I am also doing a thing where I appear on TV for cheating with a married man (That’s not a TV ‘thing’ it’s the news! And he’s well aware of it)
Oh, crap, wait, you’re the one I cheated on right? (Why would I be unsure of this? He would be furious if he read this) Sorry if that is you I’m talking about (Just use the delete key when you make a mistake! Don’t keep writing!)
I know you probably have one questions. Why?
Normally, my answer would be a magician never reveals her secrets (this saying is neither applicable nor appropriate here)
However, because it’s you and because I do owe you a favor, (what are you alluding to?) I’ll tell you.
The honest answer is, I wasn’t wearing my glasses that day. (what? This is a horrible excuse even if I did wear glasses!) I couldn’t see a thing and I had no idea who I was carrying on a relationship with (no one would ever believe this). I know what you’re thinking, but this was a little bit my fault too (he’s won’t be thinking ‘a little bit’) I should have known it wasn’t you as soon as he started kissing so well (idiot!)
How’s it going? (this is an oddly placed question)
Anywho, I was wondering if you wanted to go out with me again (This sounds like a 7th grader asking someone out). If you do, I’ll let you be a part of this movie I’m making called Twilight 5 (he’ll know this isn’t true!) and I’ll also pay you $10,000 (I’m not going to bribe him to take me back!)
Let me know ASAP (asap means as soon as possible) (he knows this)
Peace Out! (not appropriate)
Katrina (Kristen!) Stewart
P.S – Stay cool! (stupid!)
Tim, this letter is awful. It would do nothing but infuriate Robert. I’m going with a different writer. Please do not send this.