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The Horrible, Horrible Speech Brad Pitt Had Planned For The Republican National Convention

Last night’s speech by Clint Eastwood at the Republican National Convention left many people puzzled.  Eastwood was slated to be the surprise speaker at the RNC, but surprisingly, the GOP had planned to bring in Hollywood hunk Brad Pitt to speak.  The party quickly changed its mind after reading the speech below. We got our … Continue reading

Detroit Lions to Win Super Bowl

If you haven’t yet heard, Bill Ford, Jr., great-grandson of Henry Ford, executive chairman of Ford Motor Company and Detroit Lions vice chairman, vowed that the bums Detroit Lions will win a Super Bowl. What Ford, Jr. didn’t share is what we, here at Army of Awesome People, were fortunate enough to obtain. Ford, Jr. … Continue reading

One Paragraph Essay: Tips for delivering a speech at a convention

If you’re running for president and have to deliver a speech at a convention, there are many messages you need to get across, but it’s crucial to make sure your speech isn’t boring.  There are several things that you can do to keep the interest of your audience.  First of all, begin your speech with … Continue reading

Old Lane Sign

Another year has come to a close.  It’s times like this that I take a look around and wonder, “Where the hell am I”? If there is one thing I would like to see more of in this coming year it’s supernatural things.  Where are the vampires, the ghosts, the Ewoks?  You hear about these things but … Continue reading

Drawing Inspiration From Pirates

In June of 2005, a middle-aged American couple were yachting on the Red Sea when they suddenly found their vessel surrounded by Yemeni pirates. The armed scallywags tried to board the yacht in an attempted takeover. Despite being outgunned and outmanned, the couple managed to drive off their attackers. The ride back to shore, for … Continue reading

The Pitfalls of Being Superman

While recently watching the classic Superman film from 1978 it struck me at the end of the movie that logic was not one of Superman’s superpowers. Why did Superman think that by flying super fast around the world to make it spin in the opposite direction would make time go backwards to save Lois Lane’s … Continue reading

Tim’s Diary: Get Back Down There Devil!

6/6/2006, Dear Diary, Today bared the dreaded date, 6/6/06, which sparked concerns that the devil may make an appearance.  I, like many, had scoffed at this notion, until I saw the face of Lucifer himself. I was talking my daily stroll down the sidewalk when suddenly, I slammed right into something. “What the…”  I shifted my … Continue reading

The Horrible, Horrible Time Brad Pitt Visited My Beach

Movie star Brad Pitt recently visited the beach as I was enjoying a summer afternoon. Being as how I’ve already seen Brad Pitt in person four times, first, when he filmed a movie at my office , again when he worked out at my gym, another time at the coffee shop, and once more at the gas station,  the experience was … Continue reading

Rest Area Unrest

I was forty-five minutes into my hour and a half drive to work when my insides presented me with 2 options. 1 – Find a bathroom very quickly and empty their contents in a public restroom of some kind. or 2 – Keep driving and find a place to buy a new pair of pants … Continue reading

Running Through The Sprinkler

As I ran through the sprinkler I felt a sharp pain, like a thousand needles pounding through my skin.  Then I realized, it wasnt a sprinkler I ran through, but instead, a plate glass window

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