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Satire

The 5 Worst Facebook Friends

Facebook is great way to keep up with old friends. Lately, however, it seems that some have started abusing the social media site and subjecting their friends to horrible postings. I’ve indentified the five worst culprits below:

1.The Play-By-Play Announcer – I’m so glad to read that you’re “home.” I know I haven’t spoken to you since high school, but when I read that you were “headed to Chipotle” and then later that you “got the chicken black bean burrito – yum!” and then that the guy gave you “a little extra guacamole!” and then later that you were “leaving Chipotle, headed to the gas station” and then that you “paid $3.65 for gas!” I was incredibly concerned that there would be no conclusion to this compelling story.

2.The Recent Break-Up Victim – I’m very sorry to hear about your recent break-up, but why are you forcing me to be a spectator to this drama? It’s uncomfortable. Imagine, walking into a crowd of about 400 friends and saying “excuse me everyone, may I have your attention? Someone in this crowd can’t handle commitment.” Unless you suffer from some bizarre digital form of Tourette’s, your cryptic postings, random profanity and strange quotations with no attribution are clearly being aimed at someone in particular. There are several other, more direct mediums to get your message across to this individual without having to subject the rest of us these awkward postings. Might I suggest text message, e-mail or Gorilla-Gram.

3.The Inviter – Sure, best friend’s wife’s brother’s ex-girlfriend I met at sushi five years ago, I would be happy to attend your fun run on the 19th in Clovis, New Mexico, I…. Oh wait, I’m sorry. On the 19th I’m set to fly out to my college girlfriend’s roommate’s animal photography exhibit in Burlington, Vermont. Shoot. I’m actually in Shreveport, Louisiana right now for the opening of the lady who made my wedding cake’s new bakery or I would see if there was some way I could reschedule. Sorry to decline this invite. I know you were counting on me being there.

4.The Advertiser – Thank you for geo-tagging yourself at all of those stores and restaurants, reposting those political ads and warning your friends that Facebook plans to sell all of your personal information to Iran if you don’t repost the alert to your wall. It makes me regret ever signing up for the do-not-call list.

5.The Vandal –There’s nothing like logging onto Facebook and having to sort through countless memes, those hilarious pictures with those ‘clever’ sayings.  I’ve often  wondered if you would you ever find a way to communicate fully that you are as ‘sassy as you want to be.’ The picture of that cat, Willie Wonka with his head in his hand and those drawings of old timey people really do the trick.

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About Tim Kochenderfer

I'm about yay-high and weigh about yay pounds

Discussion

4 thoughts on “The 5 Worst Facebook Friends

  1. Thank you, That post says it all – I often wonder if anyone on FB can be clever or write an original thought anymore.

    Posted by dreamlifemoments | July 26, 2012, 9:10 am
  2. Some people just enjoy making spectacles of themselves, apparently. I just block their posts…

    Posted by twindaddy | July 18, 2012, 7:29 am
  3. LOL. This sure is funny and so true too.

    Posted by NS | July 18, 2012, 4:44 am
  4. Nailed it

    Posted by MrTheKidd | July 18, 2012, 2:35 am

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