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Satire

Vegetable Lasagna

Sara and I have been getting our house ready to sell.  This means a lot of cleaning up and finding things that you haven’t seen in a while.

This story takes place during one of those instances.  I was cleaning out my garage when I noticed a structure on the other side of the driveway that I had never been in before.  It was a white structure that appeared to be the same size as the main part of my house.

I tried to go in through the door but alas, it was locked.  I tried all of my house keys but none of them seemed to fit.  I had to jimmy one of the side windows to get in.

When I got inside, I looked around.  There seemed to be three additional bedrooms, another bathroom, and a kitchen.  What’s more, is that the owners before us had left everything behind.  Chairs, tables, televisions, even food and dust!

This was very exciting news.  It appeared that I had just about doubled the square footage of my home, not to mention the amenities!  If this wasn’t enough, I looked out a side window and found yet another structure!

To get to this one, I had to jump over an eight foot fence that I apparently owned.  I also had to trample through some tulips, as I was too excited to tip-toe.

This structure was painted blue and, shiver me timbers, the door was unlocked!  I went inside and immediately saw a man, woman and a little boy.  I couldn’t believe that I now owned my very own slaves.

The adult male said something that sounded like “Hey who the hell are you?  Get out of here!”, but since I don’t speak ‘crazy’, I just ignored him.  I saw that they had anticipated my arrival home with a freshly baked vegetable lasagna.  Now everyone knows that vegetables are gross, so I dumped the whole thing right in the middle of the floor and danced around on top of it.

An addition to my home I’ve been working on.

The adult male picked up some sort of device that was hanging on the wall, and put it up to his ear.  He then used one of the five apendages coming out of his hand to push 3 different buttons on the part still attached to the wall. “I’m calling the police”, he said.  Whatever that means.

After a few minutes I noticed red and blue lights pulling into my driveway.  I looked out the window and saw that the lights were coming from some sort of carriage that was not pulled by any horse that I could see.

Two men with silly hats came into my house and, rather roughly I might add, gave me a new coat with arms that attached behind.  I presumed this was supposed to make me feel ‘cozy’.  It did.

Then, the funny hat people put me in the back of my new car and that’s when I realized that they were my chauffers.  “Two chauffers!?”, I exclaimed.  “Radical!”

They took me to yet another part of my house that I didn’t know I had.  This part was on the other side of town and was massive.  They insisted I go to my room, which had bars around it to keep all the people out that might steal my stuff.

So if anyone is interested in a nice ‘starter home’, give me some of your money.

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About Jason Gooley

Thank you for your interest in me. Where do I start? Well, I guess I'm made up of about the average amount of cells. Let's see...2 arms, 2 legs...Yeah that sounds like me.

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