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Satire

The Horrible, Horrible Time Angelina Jolie Stopped By The Restaurant

As you may have read, I’ve had the pleasure of running into Actor Brad Pitt on numerous occasions (at my office, at the gym, at the coffee shop, at the gas station). I’ve been careful to document these meetings accurately, so that the ladies would feel as if they were there.  One of our Australian readers, Kellie (check out her blog kelsgonebush.com) has requested on numerous occasions that should I ever come across actress Angelina Jolie, I keep a detailed journal.  Last week, the Prime Minister of Australia contacted me, wanting to know why I had repeatedly ignored the requests of one of his citizens. Not wanting to start an international incident, I started hanging out everywhere I thought Jolie might be, the library, the public pool, the bus stop. Unfortunately, she was nowhere to be found. Luckily, last night I was out with my wife at a restaurant and guess who walked in. I pulled out my journal and wrote Kellie the following letter:

Dear Kellie,

Tonight, I was eating dinner at a restaurant when actress Angelina Jolie walked in.

I have to say, you didn’t miss much.

First of all, she had a big wad of tobacco in her mouth.

And I don’t mean chewing tobacco, I mean she had a chewed-up cigar in her mouth and she kept trying to blow bubbles.

When the host opened his mouth to ask Jolie where she preferred to sit, Jolie stuck her finger down his throat, giving him dry heaves.

A young man was about to propose to his girlfriend, and when he started to go down on one knee, Jolie flicked the bottom of his nose with her finger and said ‘she said no.’

A guy walked up to Jolie’s table and told her he was her biggest fan.  Jolie offered to buy him a drink and when the waiter came by she sent the guy a ‘milk and orange juice mixed together’ which gave him dry heaves.

Jolie then stood up and shouted ‘here’s a magic trick for ya’ll’ and ripped the tablecloth from the table of a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary, sending their cake falling to the floor.

Jolie shouted “Ta-da!!” and when nobody clapped she ran into the back room and turned out the lights.

The sound of tablecloths and crashing dishes were heard in the darkness and when the manager finally got the lights back on, Jolie tried to make people think she had disappeared by curling up in a ball underneath the tablecloth on some family’s table.

Jolie let out a muffled “Ta-da!!” then jumped up but her foot caught the edge of the table and she went falling forward,

Jolie got back up and shouted “That’s from Tomb Raider ya’ll!  Spy sh*t!”

She then got on a loudspeaker and yelled “Bennifer forever!” and ran out of the restaurant.

About five minutes later, Jolie ran back in shouting “almost forgot!” then jumped up on the hostess’ podium and started thrusting her hips violently before pouring ketchup onto the mints and running out.

I will say, however, eating at the same restaurant as a big Hollywood star was pretty cool.

How are things in Australia?

Tim

PS- *=i

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About Tim Kochenderfer

I'm about yay-high and weigh about yay pounds

Discussion

7 thoughts on “The Horrible, Horrible Time Angelina Jolie Stopped By The Restaurant

  1. I can’t believe she did not even try to adopt anyone.

    Posted by List of X | July 13, 2012, 11:04 pm
  2. Tim, your humour travels beautifully. In Slovenia this week, and pleased to report that it is working exactly as it should here too. Not even a detectable trace of an accent. Sincerely etc etc, deirdre

    Posted by tranquilspace | July 12, 2012, 12:42 am
  3. Reblogged this on Kels Gone Bush – skimpy style !!! and commented:
    A first hand account of how horrible Ange is 😉 Thank you Tim from Army of Awesome People !!

    Posted by kelsgonebush | July 12, 2012, 12:17 am
  4. I can’t believe Julia Gillard took time out from messing up our country to write to you , I’ m very honored 🙂
    Well this didn’t disappoint , I had a sneaking suspicion that she and Brad were as obnoxious as each other ! Thank you very much for the letter , I feel special 😉 Australia is great , get over here for a holiday ! 😉 Cheers Kel

    Posted by kelsgonebush | July 12, 2012, 12:15 am
    • My pleasure. I would love to come to Australia, but the Prime Minister is furious that I referred to her as a man. She told me to stay out of the entire Southern Hemisphere. I asked even New Zealand? She responded “especially New Zealand.”

      Posted by Tim Kochenderfer | July 12, 2012, 9:59 pm

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