The Horrible, Horrible Time Brad Pitt Pulled Into The Gas Station

Movie star Brad Pitt recently stopped into a gas station where I was filling up. Being as how I’ve already seen Brad Pitt in person thrice, first, when he filmed a movie at my office , again when he worked out at my gym, and once more at the coffee shop, the experience was no big deal.  However, I knew the ladies would be upset that they missed seeing this ‘Hollywood Hunk.’ Therefore, I kept the following journal, carefully detailing my experience so they would feel as if they were there.

Dear Ladies,

Recently, actor Brad Pitt stopped by a gas station where I was filling up.  Let me say, you didn’t miss much.

First of all, he couldn’t seem to get the timing down on when to turn into the parking lot.

He probably circled the station and bumped into the curb about five or six times before he managed to pull in.

Second, his rear window was covered in those bumper stickers depicting Calvin peeing on various things.  I mean, there were so many stickers it was difficult to see through the window.

There were plenty of open pumps available but Pitt drove up behind some old lady who had just pulled in and laid on his horn until she moved her vehicle.

When he opened the door, a bunch of Hostess wrappers and empty Big Gulp cups fell out.  There was a garbage can just feet away from Pitt, but instead he walked across the parking lot and dumped the trash into the bed of a Vietnam War veteran’s pickup truck.

Pitt walked past a lady who had a sign in her window that said ‘Baby On Board’ and told her it was ‘hilarious.’  Pitt then grabbed a sticker of Calvin peeing on a Ford logo, ripped off the Ford logo and put the sticker on the lady’s window over the sign, so it appeared that Calvin was urinating on the sign.

Pitt then pulled out a corncob pipe and went around asking customers for a light.

When a guy pointed out that it’s illegal to smoke at the gas pump, Pitt ran back to his car, dug around the backseat, pulled out a bottle rocket and fired it at the customer.

When the gas station attendant ran out to yell at Pitt, Pitt accused him of having a ‘cushy job’ and asked if it was illegal to express patriotism.

When the attendant pointed out that it was illegal to express patriotism by lighting off fireworks at a gas station, Pitt grabbed him by the collar, threw him into the passenger seat of a nearby car, put the gear in neutral, locked the doors and pushed the car until it went rolling down a slope and crashed into a guardrail.

Pitt then grabbed an old lady, kissed her on the lips and shouted “That’s from ‘The Curious Case of Benjamin Button’ available now on VHS!”

Pitt then shouted “here’s a free movie for ya’ll, double feature!” and then jumped up on some guy’s hood and started violently thrusting his hips.

Then, he jumped down and tried to get people to hand over their credit card numbers.

Pitt pulled out a megaphone and shouted “KATIE HOLMES, CALL ME!” and peeled out, rolling over the curb onto the sidewalk and into traffic before running out of gas.

I do have to say, however, it was pretty cool filling up my car at the same gas station as a famous Hollywood star.

Sincerely,

Tim